my 27th birthday...

so yesterday was my birthday and i very devastated..

it started with me and my bf breaking up. then i drove to downtown, parked my car, cried and screamed for about 15 mins, walked to blenz for green tea, sat there dazed waiting for my birthday dinner with my friends.

to be honest, i've had a few bfs but none of them broke up with me, i was always the one who did. it's not that i wasn't serious with them, but i fell out of love while they were still in love. so i was never really that sad. however, this time karma caught with me. i was completely in love, thinking about possible versions of the future, and BAAM! i found out (he didn't tell me) that he has been wanting to break up with me (for more than 2 months) and couldn't stand spending too much time with me. it's not like i couldn't see some signs, but being in love makes u incredibly stupid; and i was stupid enough to ignore a little conversation we had earlier this week tuesday night:

me: so i had a nightmare last night..

bf: yeah?

me: i dreamt that u suddenly dumped me because u have always been only playing
around with me and never felt anything for me....

(i don't think he looked at me)

me: so am i gonna wake up one day and realize that it's been all fake.....

bf: probably not..

me: PROBABLY NOT? PROBABLY???

bf: No~~! i meant NO~~

me: ok.

as i said, incredibly stupid.

the next day, i couldn't help thinking something is seriously going on and, as karma would have it, i got 100% reliable info that 1) he has been wanting to break up with me for a while 2) he's not exactly who i thought he was 3) he has relationship issues. (it wasn't a gossip or rumor, and i didn't hack into his email account or msn or anything password related!! lol) there's no way i would be with someone after anyone one of the listed things above, let alone all...

that was wednesday and thursday. i need 2 days to digest everything and sort through my own feelings, pain, and what-the-hell-do-i-do-now kinda crap. that wasn't fun.

friday came, my birthday. we were supposed to have dinner so i went to his house and told him what i found out and how. and then the confusion started. he showed yet another side of him: it as somewhere between the "him" that's been infront of me all this time and the "him" that i found out about. it was a problem for me cuz i sorted my feelings/thoughts out in the past two days assuming that the second "him" was the real one and that was how i could pick myself up and be well. but then talking to him about everything he seemed to be not the bad "him".

but even so, he still has his relationship issues. for me, break up is inevitable. so i left and drove to downtown.

breaking up while u'r still in love hurts. it hurts so much that it would make u cry and scream in ur car. that's exactly what happened to me. what a way to start my birthday eh?