ok fine, i'll admit it, i'm not that fine

this week, i went to the gym from monday to thursday, everyday, hardcore-sweaty-torturing-myself kinda attitude, everyday. and yesterday, i was not suppose to go because u'r supposed to give ur body a rest so that i can recover and grow. i went again.

i was just sitting at home, still having that so-not-going thought in my head, but i had nothing to do. and upon that empty and blankness i panic. i either felt a wave of sadness coming or was afraid of a wave of sadness coming and i just had to find something to do. and somehow, forcing my body and having pain seems suitable; so i went again.

i'm fine about losing him as my bf; but i guess i'm not fine about being single and being physically alone at home with nothing to do. it makes me feel lonely. and when i feel lonely because i'm single, i feel i'm such a loser for being so weak. and when i feel like i'm so weak i feel more lonely and the the spiral -- much like that pink energizer rabbit-- just keeps going and going and going.....

so, no, i'm not fine. still as twisted-and-damaged as ever (any grey's anatomy fans here?).