a spark

i went over to see my mom tonight (she's staying with her sister). i wasn't looking forward to it -- didn't know what to talk to her about and didn't want to tell her anything. motivation to go was purely obligation.

the plan was to get there 9:30 and leave around 10:30. one full hr should be enough. and my aunt and uncle will be there to break the silence, it shouldn't be too hard.

i got there around 9:30 as planned, walked in, sat down, and my aunt and uncle went up stairs to get ready for bed O_O

i just kept staring at the tv (chinese channels have some really poorly made commercials!!). but she started to talk about everything -- about how dad completely doesn't know how to take care of himself while she was here in vancouver, "before u go to vancouver, can u put out 12 pairs of socks, underwear and such for me?" open a drawer, dad! she talked about how well benny, my brother, was doing in hk learning to be a tailor in my dad's shop.

but one thing i didn't expect was that she started talking about benny's past failed relationships. (apparently benny talked to mom quite a bit about this stuff -- an activity i was completely foreign with.) benny hasn't had it easy either with his past relationships; full of heartaches, some betrayals, and definitely complexity.

she knew i got dumped (as mentioned in a previous post); so by telling me, i think she was trying to let me see that me and benny have some common ground (me and my brother had not had a causal conversation for over ten yrs; we're practically strangers). our parents had always wanted us to be more.... brotherly.

for whatever reason, i told her about the break up -- why, how, etc.

she sat right up; it was an extremely rare thing that i would tell her stuff. she asked that is "this type" of relationship harder to keep; i knew she thinks that about gay ppl. i explained to her that any relationship is hard (divorce rate is 1/2 to 1/3 in both canada and u.s.). in her own way she tried to understand (more twisted and damaged than me i bet lol). she then said, "how do u young ppl make it so complicated." compared to her generation, we're complicated; they were simple in that they get into a relationship to stay in one and get married.

"have i improved?" she asked me, "compared to a few yrs ago." she was referring to the homophobic emotional abuse she put me through (for almost a yr) when i was 19.

i happily nodded my head.

she's mom, she's trying, what can i do.

i left around 11:30 after suggesting lunch on friday.