longing

last night i told him i liked him. that i couldn't stop thinking about him and i've even lost some sleep thinking about him. that even when we first met, a long time ago, i've always liked him. even when during the last relationship my feelings for him was only put aside dormant, but not dead (with that said, i was true to McPiggy during). that my feelings for him have woken up again, "i know u don't like me, but i need u to tell me so that i can move on." at least that what i was hopping to happen.

what he said first was more or less what i knew he would say - can't we be friends.

but everything after was a bit of a surprise. i thought he would feel uncomfortable; disgusted even. i thought he would walk away from me immediately. but the exact opposite happened. he said he found me attractive (i think that his version of "i do like u a little bit"; u see, we cuddled before), but he doesn't want to complicate his life right now. and then he told me things. intimate things. he was showing me his emotional side - and there sure is a hurting lonely person in there. he admitted to things i never thought was inside him. he was also afraid. afraid of trying anymore. tired of all the disappointments and all the hurt. he boxed himself in through the yrs to adapt.

i wonder. should i try harder? to break into his heart? is it supposed to be this hard? i do succeed, wouldn't i hold extra responsibilities? would i crumble under the pressure? would he run away under the pressure?

as we were talking, he cuddled up to me. at one point, at the end of the conversation, when neither of us knew what to say anymore, we just kinda lied there facing each other. and there was a sense of longing. and i swear i felt it from him too.

he was afraid of being hurt and disappointed again. i was afraid of bearing the responsibilities of not hurting and disappointing him. we were both insecure.

after all this time, ever since we've known each other. after all the events/ppl that had come into and out of each of our lives. both me and him r still stuck at the same spot.