justin rambling

it's been a month

2007-04-28T01:45:00.000-07:00

a lot has happened. so much has happened that i can't think of where to begin. but at the same time, only one person really played a major role in my life since mid january.

how did i end up here. how did i end up falling for u and being rejected by u even though u were the one who wanted to date me when we first met. how did u become someone that i would describe as "he would never talk to me in public".

we're not lovers, we're not friends.

how do i stop.

i dread tomorrow night. i'm afraid of being in 816 where u will be too. i'm afraid of seeing u flirting, touching, kissing other ppl. i'm afraid of knowing u've gone hooking up with someone or some ppl.

i even told u that u should do it even when i'm near by, cuz i need to desensitize to it. but i'm afraid. i'm afraid i'm nothing. i'm afraid i'm not special in ur heart. because u r special in mine.

u asked me "u don't love me, do u?" was i supposed to say yes? did u want to hear it so u can feel good about urself?

i do.

so what.

it changes nothing. u would still be the same person.

how did i end up here... i don't want to be here anymore. here is nowhere.

i can never forget that easter sunday. the things u said. the way we were. amazing. taunting.

were u jealous tonight? when u see me talking to him were u jealous? u actually looked me in the eye. was that the best u could do. were u jealous?

i dread tomorrow night. being in the potluck while u r there. being in 816 while u r there. u won't care, cuz as u said, "just trying to have fun". i'm sure u'r having fun tonight, even right now as i'm typing this. and i'm sure u will be having tons of fun tomorrow night too.

i don't want to be defeated. i want to be myself again. i want to be the way i used to be - care free, cheerful, powerful.

some ppl would say this is a matter of choice. that one can always choose to not be affected by events or even their own emotions.

by choosing myself, am i then letting go of my feelings for him? do i want to let go of my feelings for him?

u won't even talk to me in public. u avoid me in public.

i'm a hopless romantic. a rare breed. we're the ones who finish last. that's if we make it at all.

free hug campaign pt 2

2007-03-23T10:47:00.000-07:00

a while back i posted about a free hug campaign that's been going around the world. today i was reading a blog (behind the chaos) and apparently beijing has one too :)

and so i wondered, "does hk have one too?" perhaps on a familiar street? yes and yes :)

online misbehavior

2007-03-22T11:09:00.000-07:00

through the yrs i've been chatting with ppl online, interesting things have happened. i'm sure some of the listed misbehavior below r common to most of u guys, but some might be not.

- ur profile says u'r single even though i know for a fact u have a bf (and i know him)

- u pretend that we've never met in person (i.e. briefly through a mutual friend some time ago) and ask to meet and chat, with u knowing if i knew it was u, i wouldn't have said sure why not

- on msn u say let's have sex, i say no, u say "just kidding anyways". grow up

- somehow i've never met u but u know my name and the last 4 digits of my phone number

- on msn, i like using emoicon for expressions and u say "u'r so gay". news flash - having guy-on-guy sexual fantasies and/or acting them out makes u "so gay"

- old pictures old pictures old STATS!!!

- praising all the virtues of honesty and morality that u up hold in ur profile, which, coincidentally, has only one picture and it's mine

if u guys have any that would like to add, pls do :)

found this on youtube

2007-03-22T10:30:00.000-07:00

i dunno if the guy is gay or not but the song is kinda fun. a little bit hard to hear what he was singing at times but mostly easy to make out. the song's title is "my whole family thinks i'm gay"

stupid resume

2007-03-21T12:42:00.000-07:00

let it be known that i hate doing my resume!! i've put it off for ten yrs....... yeah, TEN LOL

my current job is freelance interior painting (the construction-like type), so i don't need a resume. and i've been in full-time school for yrs before that (psyc BA).

skills/traits to include..

- loyal (sure, of course, to myself)
- trustworthy (since no one would ever find out i always steal from work)
- eager to learn (all the illegal stuff in the office so that i can black mail)
- copes well with stress (by stealing from the office)
- cheerful/positive person (i always bring drugs to work ^_^ )

it's all just a joke!!! seriously, just a joke~~~~~~!!!!!!

too lazy to write right now.... hehe

2007-03-21T00:02:00.000-07:00

i'll just post this video instead :) but it's really funny, i promise :)

tragic love story

2007-03-19T10:52:00.000-07:00

i was talking to McDaddy on the phone last night (talking to him about my introspections have become quite a habbit of mine). one piece of the conversation was about "love story". but not the ones in the movies (not exactly), but the ones in life - the relationships u would have: do u want it to be relatively smooth sailing from meeting the guy, to start dating the guy, to falling in love, and to thereafter. OR r u one of those ppl who prefer a rougher history with the guy and, hence, more obstacles to overcome and resulting in more passion and reward.

the whole thing might depend on ur point of view of "is it supposed to be this hard".

if u believe that it's not supposed to be hard, then u would likely believe that there should be a LOT of compatibilities and u two just click and everything else in life were also helping the coming-together of u both. it's like "mr. right" theory - perfect for each other. then u would be more incline to choose the first scenario in ur own "love stories".

but then, of course, as magical as it might be, i have come to realize i don't believe in "mr. right" (it has nothing to do with mr. right-now either!). i don't believe in the "perfect person" that might or might not come along. i believe in there's a scale of compatibility - from 1 to 10, and 10 being perfect - but somewhere in the middle of the scale is fine for me. cuz there's no guarantee that there's a 9 or 10 out there for me. if u think about it rationally, even if there is a 9 or 10 out there for u, why would that person be living in the same city as u anyways?? he might not even ever come to ur city and u might not ever end up in his city. and the ppl in the city u'r living in now? just how many ppl r there? right?

and also, i think i like obstacles. or, at the very least, i would try to overcome the obstacles if they should ever show up. i'm not afraid to try and i don't wanna end up thinking about what-if-i-tried-harder in later yrs. those r the questions that u will never be able to find answers for; and those could easily be one of the regrets to bring to ur grave (when i said that "bring to ur grave" idea on the phone with McDaddy, he said i was looking ahead too fast lol).

i think overcoming obstacles can be hard. but may be it's meant to be hard because it is worth it. because u would cherish it more, because u won't take the person for granted (as opposed to if it was relatively smooth sailing than there was no struggle to get to the point of where u r). and most of all - because it is romantic.

longing

2007-03-18T14:59:00.000-07:00

last night i told him i liked him. that i couldn't stop thinking about him and i've even lost some sleep thinking about him. that even when we first met, a long time ago, i've always liked him. even when during the last relationship my feelings for him was only put aside dormant, but not dead (with that said, i was true to McPiggy during). that my feelings for him have woken up again, "i know u don't like me, but i need u to tell me so that i can move on." at least that what i was hopping to happen.

what he said first was more or less what i knew he would say - can't we be friends.

but everything after was a bit of a surprise. i thought he would feel uncomfortable; disgusted even. i thought he would walk away from me immediately. but the exact opposite happened. he said he found me attractive (i think that his version of "i do like u a little bit"; u see, we cuddled before), but he doesn't want to complicate his life right now. and then he told me things. intimate things. he was showing me his emotional side - and there sure is a hurting lonely person in there. he admitted to things i never thought was inside him. he was also afraid. afraid of trying anymore. tired of all the disappointments and all the hurt. he boxed himself in through the yrs to adapt.

i wonder. should i try harder? to break into his heart? is it supposed to be this hard? i do succeed, wouldn't i hold extra responsibilities? would i crumble under the pressure? would he run away under the pressure?

as we were talking, he cuddled up to me. at one point, at the end of the conversation, when neither of us knew what to say anymore, we just kinda lied there facing each other. and there was a sense of longing. and i swear i felt it from him too.

he was afraid of being hurt and disappointed again. i was afraid of bearing the responsibilities of not hurting and disappointing him. we were both insecure.

after all this time, ever since we've known each other. after all the events/ppl that had come into and out of each of our lives. both me and him r still stuck at the same spot.

the iRack

2007-03-18T10:30:00.000-07:00

if u didn't get it.. iRack = Iraq

watch it again :)

the most masculine flower...

2007-03-17T11:30:00.000-07:00

i'm happy to say that my friend came out of surgery (for cancer) perfectly ok. all of the tumor should have been removed, but, just in case, he's gonna go under chemo treatment in a month as well. now there's a big horror-movie scar 3-4 inches long running down his neck at the back of his right ear. and apparently it bleeds at night when he's sleeping o_O

me and McDaddy were picking out flowers to buy and bring over. my concern was to pick something lively looking and not depressing (aka not the ones u buy for a tomb stone....). McDaddy had some other concern as he was browsing:

McDaddy: is there a masculine flower?

Me: fine, go buy a cactus.

i so stole this from someone else's blog lol

2007-03-15T23:08:00.000-07:00

source: http://androi8.blogspot.com/index.html

in one of the blogs that i read, i found this really "interesting" link - it's about what bands r "gay"... from the perspective of... bible readers :)

http://lovegodsway.org/GayBands

i don't know if u noticed... first, not all of them r bands (ok, fine cheap shot. but wait!) and second, how the hell did jay-z and eminmen end up in the list?? especially eminmen, his lyrics often talk about killing gay ppl!!

and here's a pin that i own :)

good tv good work out

2007-03-15T22:04:00.000-07:00

it was a good night of tv with new ugly betty and grey's anatomy. it was 2 hrs of fun :)

anyways, on with trying to think of something to write.

errrrrrrrrmm.....

well, i went to gym with McBubby yesterday. actually, we went shopping first. aka HE wanted to go buy stuff to de-stress. it got to the point that he wanted to buy a t-shirt just because it was on sale! apparently shopping calms him... *rolling my eyes*

after i followed him around downtown (and 2 gap stores in the mean time!!), he finally realized it was getting late and we should go to the gym. it was almost 6pm; i never go to the gym during that time just like i try not to drive anywhere during that time - traffic jam on the road and in the gym. there were way too many ppl. but lucky for us, whatever we were going to use was free.

why am i writing about going to the gym? cuz my boobies and triceps r hurting quite bad today. don't get me wrong - i like the hurt :) it means that i've done good work and that if i can keep it up i can gain weight. and why do i wanna talk about my boobies hurting and all that. cuz working out with McBubby and doing exactly his routine helped me to force myself to do more and heavier - proportionally speaking, he's bigger than me.

and why do i wanna write about working out with McBubby? cuz one of these days i swear one of us will kill the other one! we've known each other for more than a couple of yrs. we hang out not too often. very rare for a while actually cuz we used to get into fights with each other. but when we weren't at each other's throat, we would have a good time.

but recently we've been hanging out more and without the murderous intent and all. or at least way less. i'm gonna try to tag along with him to the gym more. he can be my trainer/motivator lol

i'm just hoping he won't revert back voicing his opinions like the way he did in the past....

"women are meant for making babies"
"asians are bad drivers" (except for himself...)

and of course

"asian women shouldn't be allowed to drive"

wanna see my sperm?

2007-03-13T11:49:00.001-07:00

what did u think u would see?? lol

as u can tell, it can be move! i took a couple of videos of it and tried to upload to youtube, but after the upload, i couldn't find it!! i typed in the right key words (tag or whatever) and it's just not there. but, luckily, i have imeem! IMEEM~~~

sunday

2007-03-12T11:43:00.001-07:00

day light saving what what?? lol

if i didn't go out saturday night and stayed home, i might not have known about adjusting the o'clock (see, appreciate random party friends having random conversations with u). good that i found out, so i wasn't late sunday morning picking up McDaddy and McBubby to go have lunch, shopping at metrotown, and movie (300).

McBubby is someone who has alot of suggestions. really. lol but it's not like he tries to force his ideas on ppl as well; he just wants to help :) he suggested taiwanese food for lunch. it was a small family-owned restaurant in burnaby near metrotown. and the food was..... well, it wasn't bad, it was interesting, but the particular dish i ordered had too much sauce on it! i don't like my rice soggy and wet........ but it was a good lunch.

afterwards we went to metrotown. my original
plan was to watch them shop and highly encourage them to buy things for themselves. i'm evil like that :) don't ever go shopping with me :) anyways, that plan fell through hehe we went inside AE and, as usually, i went straight toward the "on sale" rack and, to my surprise, found something nice -- i found a white t-shirt for 10bucks! i have a thing for white t-shirts, especially since they have very short life expectancies in my household -- they always somehow get wrecked coming back from laundry... and then, we went to old navy and McDaddy was picking out some running shirt and was talking about how this material is good for letting u sweat less or what not. and my faithful readers should remember something about me not liking to sweat but love to run. so i bought a white one and gonna try that shirt out at the gym later today. if it doesn't work, i kill have McDaddy's head!!

McBubby was the biggest spender that day. over 200 bucks!! but it was all nice looking stuff he bought.

after the exhaustive shopping, it was movie time -- 300. heard of it?

if u haven't seen it yet, go fucking see it!! it was awesome!! and it's not just about the half naked men in the movie lol actually i only thought one of them was kinda cute (not the main character). what was really good about the movie was the directing and the action and plot. and u can tell the actors had spent time learning how to do their stunts and action sequences. it was really full of power and force. go see it!!

saturday night

2007-03-12T11:30:00.000-07:00

well, saturday afternoon was a complete dread!!!! i spent it completely alone at home bored out of my mind!!!!

and when it finally came night time to go out with ppl i made plans with , miscommunication and waiting even more got everyone worked up and somehow the plans fell through..... :(

but i've never stayed home on a saturday night (that's when i'm single and so have no one to cuddle with at home), so i just called up some party friends and went out -- let's get a little bit tipsy then!

and then the interesting things started to happen... i wonder just how much of it i can write without those two calling me and using alot of f-you lol

let's just say.... if i feel that someone has taken me for granted (when i was there the person never cared or not enough) and now that i've left the person's life and s/he wants companion from me only because s/he that particular night felt vulnerable or lonely (but never otherwise called to hang out), then don't expect much from me.

and don't come knocking on my door now that i wrote the paragraph above! i have my own life and ppl to hang out with when i'm out, don't just expect me to drop everything and hang out tight just because u were hurting or ur friends weren't there yet.

hmm... too much?

friday night

2007-03-12T11:17:00.000-07:00

friday night was fun. me, McDaddy, and McBubby went to deman/robson for some korean hotpot :P

what i love the most about korean food is the side dishes. i could have a meal with just them. and of course i'm one of those ppl who would say, "ok. let's each of us take turn asking for more side dishes." lol what they're free - FREE!!!! lol and it's sooooooo good! love the sea weed and the soft potato thing. *drooling drooling* the kimchi that they give u is usually ok, but the best kimchi i've had is from T&T supermarket.

just look at those side dishes ------------>

*drooling drooling~~~~

but actually, see the one that has a pair of scissors in them (McBubby wouldn't just back up a little for me grrr), i actually don't like that one at all -- i never eat that.

after the dinner, we went to the nearby capers and they had desert. i don't eat desert :) they had like carrot chocolate cake and some kinda other cake lol coffee and tea as well. we sat outside at the patio and chatted for an hr or so more before McBubby, with the scissors earlier, said that he wanted to go.

there's actually more to that friday. before the desert, before the dinner. at home. something nice happened. but i don't know how much i can write about that for now. may be in the soon future, but not right now, just in case :)

offer

2007-03-11T23:23:00.000-07:00

it's been an interesting weekend filled with interesting events that i don't even know if i should write here. no it's not sex lol that's not too interesting at all. but it's sunday night now and i'm just tired, so i'm not gonna write about this weekend until tomorrow :p

but here's a short piece that i can write about -- recently, i've been asking myself, "what do i have to offer in a relationship?"

laughter? i don't know if i'm that funny of a guy. i'm not boring and i do say funny stuff, but am i so funny enough that it can be a strong point?

little sweet things? i'm not careless and i'm not inattentive, but i'm a little lazy sometimes :p

but at the same time, i guess i do have a few things to offer that aren't bad...

i give good affection :) i'm not cold when i'm with a guy. i'll say nice things; i'll kiss the guy. i do lots of hugs and cuddles.

i like communicating :) everything should be talked about openly with an open mind. feelings, past events, concerns, etc. i can do that pretty well.

i can stay in as well as go out :) i'm not one of the extreme types - either out there every weekend or staying in every weekend. i know how to strike a balance between social time and private time.

the question itself -- "what do i have to offer?" -- is still relatively new in my head, so i haven't really figured out anything extensive yet. but i really should try to think more about it because this has to do with the bigger picture in life. i should know my weaknesses and strengths.

appreciate the ppl around u

2007-03-11T10:49:00.000-07:00

always appreciate the close friends u have. for example, the ones that have helped me through my emotional recovery for the past two months.

always appreciate the party friends u have. for example, the ones that have helped me through many weekends nights for the past two months.

and always appreciate whoever that would have this conversation with u when u were supposed to get up early in the morning to have lunch with ur close friends while u still decided to go clubbing the night before. (especially if one of those u were supposed to meet up was already slightly annoyed by u - u shouldn't be late!) just like last night..

me: oh it's past 1am already, i have to go before 2.
JJ: it's actually past 2am already, we set the clock forward an hr tonight.
me: HOLY SHIT !!

my 100th post

2007-03-08T21:31:00.000-08:00

my 100th post will be about my friend who is going into surgery on wednesday for cancer.

i can't say much cuz it's a big private event for me, obviously. all i can say is that the cancer is too close to where cancer should never NEVER even get close to. and they don't even know how much is in him and won't know till when they cut him open wednesday. and then he might need chemo depending on how it goes.

i'm hoping he'll be fine, of course. but i'm not a very hopeful person to begin with....

my 99th posting

2007-03-08T12:27:00.000-08:00

my 99th posting will be about iPod and dildo..

lol

sleepless night

2007-03-08T04:53:00.000-08:00

i haven't been sleeping well lately. waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to fall back asleep. it's actually about 5am right now.

but i made use of my sleepless middle-of-the-night :)

i've always hated having to write those "about me" sections in any profile. whatever i wrote didn't feel right or i just start to wonder did i say too much or not enough. but i think i've wrote the best one ever yet compared to all the other crap that i had ever written muahahaha!!

this is what i wrote just now for my downelink profile, which is at 769 now (if u don't get it, that's because u haven't been following my blog like ur life depends on it!! BAD BOY!! *wink )

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i think i'm a little bit different from other ppl, but then again, how many ppl say that nowadays :) and yet another then again, who isn't at least a little bit different from any other given person on this planet :)

a couple of yrs ago, i once told a friend of mine, "i can't wait till i'm in my 30's". and i meant it. while some ppl think that the golden age is may be from 18 or 19 to early 20's, i think the golden age is in the 30's. i think that's when most ppl have finally have had enough life experiences to grow into a fuller person and have conquered some of their previous fears and weaknesses. i guess i'm a person who values maturity both mentally and emotionally; i still have a bit of a way to go to achieve that though :)

while maturity is good and that i do have a certain degree of it (again, not fully of course hehe), i rarely act or talk like one lol i think maturity only needs to be shown when the situation warrants it. if the person talks or acts "maturely" 24/7, that would just be boring, very boring :) there's no need for maturity when i'm just hanging out and having a good time with a bunch of friends or strangers. i like making ppl laugh and maturity doesn't help with that :)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i've also added the imeem music playist/player thing into the profile hehe i love imeem!!

http://www.downelink.com/29383/

a friend in toronto

2007-03-06T18:54:00.000-08:00

j: i just got back from T&T
so friggin cold out
j: -15

me: did ur dick fall off?
me: lol

j: with windshield, it's close to -20
j: i got hard
j: hehe

me: it's called wind chill, not windshield
me: i'm so blogging this

my new hat :)

2007-03-05T21:18:00.000-08:00

as mentioned yesterday, McDaddy bought me a hat and he took some pics for me. so which one looks the best? they'r all generally very "soft" looking lol oh and in the last one u can actually see him in the mirror lol

anyone knows where i can dl this??

2007-03-05T15:43:00.000-08:00

i wanna see this (obviously for the cute guys not the plot lol). anyone knows where i can dl this? chinese or eng subtitle is fine by me :)

bad habit bad habit

2007-03-05T10:30:00.000-08:00

i've realized that i've got a pretty stupid and bad habit -- i keep track of how many ppl have viewed my downelink profile everyday... i simply log onto my user's page (the screen shot above is my actual profile not my user's page) and look at the number lol

i've actually re-set it since mid jan because i changed alot of things in my profile - pics, text, slideshow, background, etc. it's now 738 views.

totally ridiculous eh? lol

McDaddy is back!!

2007-03-04T23:18:00.000-08:00

so McDaddy is back, yay~~~ he was gone for a month and it's good that he's around again.

no he's not a suggar daddy. no i'm not in love with him (nor any romantic feelings). no he's not old. i call him Daddy cuz he's that kinda guy who's kind and warm, and the fact that he wants a baby with someone.

about a yr and a half ago we met in odyssey. actually, it was the day when fantastic 4 came out in the theater. i remember cuz the next day we went to see it :) anyways, we met in odyssey, and there was instant attraction. but of course, my side of the story is still that he seduced me and lured me up to his apartment!! lol

we dated for a month. the fact is that, we have great chemistry but we r very VERY different ppl and it's was just very apparent that if we kept going as a couple it was gonna be very disastrous. so we stopped dating and started being friends.

it wasn't easy at first - trying to be friends cuz there was still some lingering feelings. but we got over it. now we're very good friends and still have our great chemistry :)

so now he's back from his vacation in asia and he bought me a hat that i've wanted for a while! yay~~ he actually took a couple of pics of me wearing it today (he owns an $1000 camera and can't even use all the functions on the thing. *rolling my eyes, rolling rolling* ). after he's uploaded them from his camera, i'll post them here cuz the pics r good :)

i think my roommates r having sex right now as i'm typing this, cuz i can hear moaning.. *rolling, rolling..*

saturday night fever

2007-03-04T10:21:00.000-08:00

last night was just... well, it was alot of fun but also creepy....

first came the fun part. i had dinner with a cute boy - McCutie it is lol (i'm not creative!) anyways, we went to dinner at a sushi restaurant on 3432 w. broadway called Eatery. it was an amazing restaurant! it' not decorated like a regular japanese restaurant at all -- it looks like a pub with candles and a live dj playing really really good house/dance music. and the food was good too. we arrived just in time to get the second last empty table; 2 seconds after that some ppl came and took the last one and it was line-up-and-look-at-ppl-eat for an hr for the ppl who came after. i'll definitely go back there!

anyways, it was nice having dinner with McCutie. i met him online several weeks back and chatted a little bit on msn. i also ran into him a couple of times clubbing. it was interesting to hang out with him and talk about stuff. he has very cute eyes when he smiles :) but i think we'r better off as friends. he's quite new; i think he has some catching up to do.

after the dinner, he said a friend of his in dt is having a house warming thing. so i said let's go cuz i was in the mood to meet some new ppl and just socialize. once we got there, so much for the mood to get to meet new ppl.. other than the host and one other person in the place, i knew everyone else! what's more strange is that most of them i met through McPiggy.. so, that was creepy. lol

so i just sat around and chatted a little bit. and then the buzzer rang and the host was like, "oh, must be **** and ****" yet another two ppl i know. and then after that, a bit later more ppl came, 4 to be exactly, and this time i only knew one of them lol that was crazy

originally i was planning to go home by 11 or midnight cuz in the morning i have go to the airport and pick up McDaddy (he would hate me if he knew i call him that hehe i think i'll tell him later hehe). i didn't want to have to drive in the morning all tired but everyone seemed to be going out to celeb later. so i decided to go too :p

before going to celeb, McCutie had yet another friend in dt having ppl over for drinks before going out to celeb. so we went there for a bit as well. and it turned out his friend is someone i know as well lol

no i don't "get around!!" lol

anyways, so we had a few drinks and boy do i turn red! they kept talking about it!! grrr apparently even my palms turned red.. i wonder what else turned bright red.. hehe

drunk enough yet? celeb we went :) needless to say, i ran into more ppl there - hey it's u how r u what have u been doing blah blah kinda thing. but it was good and fun. hopping from this mini-group to that to that to yet another one. i was in the mood for that so it was fun :)

so i guess i've been meeting alot of ppl lately. but it's kinda weird that they all know each other as well. i know it's vancouver so "everyone knows everyone" but it was kinda more than that. all these ppl don't just know of each other, some of them actually hang out every now and then. i totally felt like i was an outsider just joining in or something.

very interesting sat nights 3 weeks in a roll. may be next weekend i'll hang out with my own peeps for change.

t-minus one hr till McDaddy's plane arrives :)

let there be MUSIC !!!

2007-03-03T19:26:00.000-08:00

i was profile hopping on downelink and i came across this profile that has an interesting looking music player thing embedded. so i took a look and click on here and there...

OH MY GOD!! it's a site exactly what i've wanted to find for so long!!

imeem @ com let's u upload whatever mp3 (or even pictures or videos) to ur profile up there and do playlists and get listend (or watched) by other users. and the most important thing is that now i can have music on my blog!! cuz it's very hard to find the music that i want already somewhere uploaded and hosted by ppl.

right now, the song is Original of Love from the movie Hedwig the Angry Inch. i did a post about this song early but now i have it playing here~~ yay me~~~ lol

the lyrics is really meaningful and it just strikes into the heart:
http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/hedwigandtheangryinch/originoflove.htm

That the pain down in your soul
Was the same as the one down in mine.
That's the pain,
Cuts a straight line
Down through the heart;
We called it love.

have u ever counted sheep to fall asleep?

2007-03-02T22:03:00.000-08:00

still wanna count?

182!!

2007-03-02T21:46:00.000-08:00

i love running.

but not outside on the street or on the beach -- i like it on a treadmill. i like the fact that it's just flat and stable and no matter how explosive i run i'm not crashing into anyone or a street lamp.

but i hate sweating and I HATE SWEATING!! it's very uncomfortable and sticky and gross. i can't stand it. so i usually end up not running in the gym.

BUT i don't wanna end up being one of those guys who look fit (by lifting weights) and in fact has a weak heart and a weaker lung function. so i've decided to take up running in the gym again.

i've ran before in the gym and i used to get that choking and burning sensation in my lungs really quick, but yesterday i was able to run for a whole 8 mins without any weird feeling in my lungs and only stopped because i didn't want to sweat. u might be thinking, "if he wasn't sweating yet, he must've not really been running hard enough." i was running hard enough -- heart rate at 166. i don't sweat easy.

today i decided to push myself more and i ran for more than 10mins on 7.7 spd with a heart rate of --- wait for it ------- wait for it ---- 182!! (i guess is not such a surprise if u noticed the name of this post... shut up! lol) my lungs had a little bit of weird feel, but really nothing compared to the past. so i guess my cardio actually went up, somehow, over the past yr and a half since i've stopped any cardio at gym.

next time, i'll bring a t-shirt to change into so that i wouldn't mind the sweating so much and run more hehe

i wonder if 200 heart rate not healthy to aim for... lol

i invite u to....

2007-03-01T13:00:00.000-08:00

my bed room :)

and this is my bed.. wanna hop in? :p

and there a few items in my room that i took close-ups of - there'r here:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/89405302@N00/407105425/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/89405302@N00/407105423/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/89405302@N00/407105420/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/89405302@N00/407105416/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/89405302@N00/407105410/

well i hope u guys enjoyed the tour :)

hmm..

actually there's one more pic i took when i was taking all these pics......

hehehehehe..........

animation rocks!!

2007-02-28T22:11:00.000-08:00

so there's a new japaneses animation coming out and it looks awesome. the premise is this:

29 year old Dr. Atsuko Chiba is an attractive but modest Japanese research psychotherapist whose work is on the cutting edge of her field. Her alter-ego is a stunning and fearless 18 year old “dream detective,” code named PAPRIKA, who can enter into people’s dreams and synchronize with their unconscious to help uncover the source of their anxiety or neurosis.

i couldn't find the same trailer i saw from apple dot com so i just put the link here instead:

http://www.apple.com/trailers/sony/paprika/trailer/

but there's a leaked sample of the movie (eng subtitle) on utube

site meter report

2007-02-28T08:18:00.000-08:00

apparently my "visit per day" has dropped from around 50 to 30....

i have my health i have my health i have my health.........

rotten!!

2007-02-27T22:59:00.000-08:00

- McPiggy is now dating a guy he met when we were still together.
- McMB has decided to cut me out of his life without explaining.

err....

*tapping my forehead on my desk* - "i have my health i have my health i have my health....."

something else about saturday night

2007-02-26T19:30:00.000-08:00

that night, i chose to leave alone even though i had nice offers. and i had the most content and calm feeling i've ever had going home from that place. walking on the street, breathing in fresh morning air -- the quiet downtown streets felt so refreshing after all the music, dancing, and guys.

it was a nice little walk to my car. i know made the right choice

after that, i got home, slept a little, a friend called and i went back to dt to hang out with him and a couple of his friends. had some food, some laughs, and some tea.

it was a nice weekend ^_^

ugly duckling

2007-02-25T20:33:00.000-08:00

last night was overwhelming and i'm still trying to process it all in my head. so this post might sound broken or weird or something, but pls bear with me :)

i never thought of myself as attractive or hot; usually i think i'm unattractive or... ugly. i do have certain days when i think i look good, but it has more to do with what i was wearing or just how i was feeling at the moment. i just think that i'm not good enough.

lately, there seems to be ppl who want to prove me wrong. last night, there were quite a few of them. they were all nice and attractive good looking ppl who were giving me lots of attention. i'm not used to it all -- the attention, the flirting, the.... (etc etc lol) it was so overwhelming for me that i just wanted to be alone so i went off sitting by myself hidding from ppl lol

ugly duckling?

applaud pls

2007-02-24T20:14:00.000-08:00

background story: person A and C were a couple and person B likes A

B came up to A when he was standing near the dance floor and C was dancing in some distance away.

B: (pointing toward C) u did that and u don't like me?
A: see, this is why u'r single. (walked away)

whore anyone?

2007-02-23T18:28:00.000-08:00

xx: so whatca gonna do for the weekend?
me: tonight mostly staying in till later and then meet seom friends
xx: Ooo hehe that's a plan! so booked
me: really, doesn't feel too booked
xx: well booked for 2 days...
me: nights
me: not even full nights
me: now i sound like a hooker
xx: hahaha
me: 100 for an hr, 300 over night pls
xx: busy with your clients
xx: can I get discount please?
me: nah, seeing is u, pay up front

a good night to conclude a bad day

2007-02-23T00:52:00.000-08:00

as i was saying earlier, i was having a bad day. very very down, very very lost. but then once again i was proven right about my believe -- give ppl a chance and they'll surprise u :)

i was supposed to meet this person for drinks on tuesday night, but half an hr before we were supposed to meet up he called and said did i get his last txt msg. i said no i didn't get any txt from him. apparently he's sick and wanted to take a raincheck may be for thursday or onward, "let's confirm on msn thursday afternoon".

afternoon came (with 2 fights) and he didn't go on msn at all. i thought it was a right off and was looking forward to my grey's anatomy. and then he txted me around 7 asking if i was up for a drink around 9 :)

it was nice chatting with him (we went to oasis). sane and easy to talk to. have to say, kinda cute lol but more importantly, i found out some interesting stories about him and i was comfortable enough to tell some of mine. of course, neither of us went into details, but it was still very informational for a first time hanging out.

after that i went home to watch my taped grey's anatomy (yes, taped as in VHS, old school eh? lol well it's faster than downloading).

so, all in all, a good night :)

bad day

2007-02-22T17:08:00.000-08:00

it's been a pretty bad day today. i was originally ordinary.. and then... 2 fights with 2 different ppl, one right after another.

don't feel like gyming... stomach isn't feeling right... the only thing i look forward to is tv tonight... just wanna go to sleep right now and wake up for the shows and go back to bed again...

my eyes! my eyes..!! my self-esteem!!!!

2007-02-21T11:26:00.000-08:00

ever since i gained my 5lbs, i've been very eager to gain another 10lbs. just thinking about the fact that i'm no longer boarder lining 130, 131lbs but around 135, 136lbs makes me so happy ^_^

Onward! Gain Another 10lbs!!

which means back to the gym religiously 4-5 times a week (i went and forced myself through my routines even though i was still a bit sick yesterday). and eating religiously as well (errr my stomach....)

just as i've been feeling good about my progress, something strange has been happening at the gym lately.... for whatever reason, there's a lot more hot guys walking around. they r for sure nice to look at and to motivate me to gain my 10lbs..... but...... i feel so small around them :( at the same time i can't help but to look at them (and drool....) can't control my eyes and then my new found self-esteem plungers again....

errrrrrrrrr

p.s. there's this new guy at the gym who looks like McSteamy from the show
p.s.s. and i swear i saw a McDreamy look alike last week

"i see gay people" LOL

2007-02-20T23:27:00.000-08:00

i don't like basketball; and i certainly don't watch NBA shows. my brother likes it though and he would watch most of the playoffs. If there was a game on live on tv and it was dinner time, whatever show i was watching didn't matter and it would just be switched to the game and i would just have to sit there and watch the stupid game. (surprisingly, sweaty hulky men in shorts rubbing onto each other -- often their back sides onto others front sides -- didn't spark my interest at all.)

i still don't like basketball; i still don't watch the games; and i still don't know their names and what not.

so i don't know who Tim Hardaway is and i certainly don't know why/when he said he hates gay ppl.

but i do know who George Takei (from original star trek) and i do know he's gay and playing Hiro's dad in Heores. and i love the public service announcement he made in response to the hate comment ^_^

the original free hug campaign

2007-02-20T14:50:00.000-08:00

i found the original free hug campaign that started it all --

free hug campaign

2007-02-20T14:39:00.000-08:00

it's amazing what some ppl are willing to do and can do. humans, as a species, r killing the planet and each other. but some humans, as individuals, give hope and inspiration.

there r ppl undertaking this campaign in korea, japan, portland, amsterdam, newfoundland, israel. italy.. just to name a few

what a weekend...

2007-02-19T19:31:00.000-08:00

it was a great weekend but sometimes it seems the more fun u fun during a weekend, the more tired and trashed ur next couple of days r gonna be lol

friday night, after dinner i went to McPiggy's friend's place (in new westminster) for chinese new yrs eve (according to china's time zone). we played mj for hrs, but i left early around 2am instead of 4am (china's midnight for new yrs eve). too tired, not into mj that night and i knew i was gonna have a hell of a saturday night -- and i did, keep reading ;) on the way home friday night though, i almost got hit by some car trying to turn left from the on coming traffic -- my light was green!! and then when i was 2 blocks from home, some other car sped up the hill from the on coming traffic so fast and so fucking close to me if it hit me i shouldn't still be in a hospital.

saturday night.... oh saturday night........ oooooh

lol

well, short version.. had a dinner with some relatives. one of my drunk uncles that night sitting across the table asked me and the guy cousin on my left, "so when r u two gonna get married?" (he meant each of us finding a wife) and then he remembered that i'm gay, he continued on with his little speech with "u" instead of "u two" or "u guys" and didn't look at me once. we can get married u drunk! a few minutes later, the cousin on my right asked me about my time in bangkok. yeah.. not a children friendly topic, seeing her three children r sitting very close by HAH!

after the dinner.... my official saturday night began...................... u see, it was one of those nights that i felt the need to cut loose and blow off some steam.

a little bit of this.. a little bit of that.......

i got home 9am next morning

use ur imagination :)

good night ^_^

long d relationship

2007-02-17T15:47:00.000-08:00

my roommate just told me that his bf, who lives with us, is moving to san diego next month because of a much better job. they've decided to do the long d thing.

i'm sad for them, cuz it's gonna be hard -- losing the routines they've created, not sleeping next to each other, not cooking for each other, eating with each other, going away to my roommate's cabin together, etc etc...

after next month, they will at most be able to see each other once a month, each time for 3 days or less. that's very sad.

i've never done one before, a long d relationship. i wonder would i. i guess i wouldn't, i don't think i'm cut out for being left alone like that for too long. i need the routine, i need the closeness, and i need to see that person and talk to him and touch him and kiss him and cuddle him and so much more...

oh call me needy whatever!! lol

locker room fun

2007-02-17T10:43:00.000-08:00

happy chinese new yr guys :)

2007-02-17T03:17:00.000-08:00

p.s. i was trying to find a good picture of any new yr pig, but couldn't...

p.s.s on the way home tonight, i almost got into two car accidents, both of them almost got in my way. the first one, if it hit me, would've only been bad for my car. but the second one, if it did hit me, i think i wouldn't be here typing this right now..... happy new yr to me.. i guess..

speechless with tears in my eyes..

2007-02-16T15:43:00.000-08:00

Song: Origin of Love

When the earth was still flat,
And the clouds made of fire,
And mountains stretched up to the sky,
Sometimes higher,
Folks roamed the earth
Like big rolling kegs.
They had two sets of arms.
They had two sets of legs.
They had two faces peering
Out of one giant head
So they could watch all around them
As they talked; while they read.
And they never knew nothing of love.
It was before the origin of love.

The origin of love

And there were three sexes then,
One that looked like two men
Glued up back to back,
Called the children of the sun.
And similar in shape and girth
Were the children of the earth.
They looked like two girls
Rolled up in one.
And the children of the moon
Were like a fork shoved on a spoon.
They were part sun, part earth
Part daughter, part son.

The origin of love

Now the gods grew quite scared
Of our strength and defiance
And Thor said,
"I'm gonna kill them all
With my hammer,
Like I killed the giants."
And Zeus said, "No,
You better let me
Use my lightening, like scissors,
Like I cut the legs off the whales
And dinosaurs into lizards."
Then he grabbed up some bolts
And he let out a laugh,
Said, "I'll split them right down the middle.
Gonna cut them right up in half."
And then storm clouds gathered above
Into great balls of fire

And then fire shot down
From the sky in bolts
Like shining blades
Of a knife.
And it ripped
Right through the flesh
Of the children of the sun
And the moon
And the earth.
And some Indian god
Sewed the wound up into a hole,
Pulled it round to our belly
To remind us of the price we pay.
And Osiris and the gods of the Nile
Gathered up a big storm
To blow a hurricane,
To scatter us away,
In a flood of wind and rain,
And a sea of tidal waves,
To wash us all away,
And if we don't behave
They'll cut us down again
And we'll be hopping round on one foot
And looking through one eye.

Last time I saw you
We had just split in two.
You were looking at me.
I was looking at you.
You had a way so familiar,
But I could not recognize,
Cause you had blood on your face;
I had blood in my eyes.
But I could swear by your expression
That the pain down in your soul
Was the same as the one down in mine.
That's the pain,
Cuts a straight line
Down through the heart;
We called it love.
So we wrapped our arms around each other,
Trying to shove ourselves back together.
We were making love,
Making love.
It was a cold dark evening,
Such a long time ago,
When by the mighty hand of Jove,
It was the sad story
How we became
Lonely two-legged creatures,
It's the story of
The origin of love.
That's the origin of love.

flipping through old pictures

2007-02-15T23:35:00.000-08:00

i was chatting with someone on msn and i happened to ask him about his glasses. he seems to wear his glasses most of the time and so i asked him does he wear lenses. then we got into what i look like with glasses. so i went into my picture folders and looked for a picture of me with glasses to send to him.

and of course, all the pictures with McPiggy were there. i clicked on some of them. he of course looked cute (hear that? feel good now? u i-go-to-clubs-to-look-at-cute-guys! lol i told u i would put it up here muahaha). however, i felt fine.

i even looked at the pictures with me and him cuddling up in a coach and i was fine. it's not something that i dwell in and feel sad about anymore. true that i still feel affection for him and have a smile on my face when past memories of us pass by my mind, but i'm not in pain anymore.

it's gonna be nice to hang out with him with a clear mind from now on and just be friends.

moving on ^_^

to myself

2007-02-14T22:14:00.000-08:00

being a good and responsible person is not easy; life is not easy. when u first met him u knew it was too soon for u to date and u knew there would be a good chance u would end up hurting him eventually.

u made the right decision. don't start doubting urself; don't start thinking the could-haves, should-haves, and would-haves; don't regret.

he's happy; the happiest he has ever been in his life. his bf is happy; probably the happiest he has ever been in his life.

they deserve each other and they laugh together.

when it's time for u to deserve it, it happens. when it's the right person, u'll know.

i have a cold...

2007-02-14T21:26:00.000-08:00

i hate this year's valentine's day..

what's bad?
being single on this day.

what's worse?
i'm sick and couldn't go to the gym.

what's double worse?
me getting sicker having to drive McMB around to get his valentine-dinner-groceries for his bf.

what's triple worse?
i just really really wanted to go to the gym... :(

"wanna go for coffee?"

2007-02-13T23:35:00.000-08:00

i've actually started to enjoy talking to different ppl online. of course that's after having filtered out the ones that ask "r u top or bottm" and the ones that "how big r u" and the ones that.. u get the picture.

don't get me wrong, i'm not a saint; sex is fun and i like having it. however, right now i'll focus more on 1) getting to know more ppl, 2) make some interesting friends along the way, and 3) may be have a few dates here and there.

i've been successfully doing the first and second thing, but where the hell r the dates!!!!

it's hard to meet ppl that u think is attractive enough (doesn't have to be hot) and sane enough (doesn't have to be completely mature). even harder to have these ppl think of u in the same way. and usually is just one disappointment after another another yet another..

sigh....

happy thoughts.. happy thoughts..

fridge fun

2007-02-12T23:39:00.000-08:00

have u seen those little packages of magnets that u can buy and they're like these little words. u'r supposed to use ur best imagination and creativity to make use of those little words and make poetry.

i hate writing poetry. i just suck at it.

but when i was kinda drunk at McMB's place this saturday and he found one of those packs of magnet words, i thought i would try.

it's not very good. it might not be anything at all. but since i was drunk and did it under 3 minutes AND that those 3 lines mean something to me, i thought i would share with u guys.

time time time...

2007-02-12T09:06:00.000-08:00

it's been a month since the break up and Yes i'm still talking about it lol

- been through the lowest lows and almost back to normal
- kinda of used to being single now
- enjoying talking to more new ppl

all in all, i'm fine now. just having the occasional blues and philosophical moments every now and then :)

happy V-day... sort of

2007-02-11T14:01:00.000-08:00

what makes u fell in love with a person

2007-02-11T13:18:00.000-08:00

- the little cute things the person does?

- the things that the person believes in and it makes him a good person?

- the person is good to u?

- the person understands u?

any one of the above? any two of the above? all of the above??

how cute (inside and out) does the person have to be? how good of a human being does the person have to be (believing in a good cost or organizing an actual charity event)? how good to u is good? how much of understand? more than urself understand urself?

OR

is it how the person makes u feel inside when u'r with him....

makes u feel good? takes the pain/loneliness away? makes u laugh?

does he have to be ur best friend at the same time and share ur ideals and believes? or does he have to be ur best enemy with opposing political views and can challenge u?

what has made u fell in love with a person lucky enough to be loved by u.

neurotic!!

2007-02-11T11:41:00.000-08:00

some ppl can become quite neurotic when they have started to fall for a person and r afraid of losing or being rejected by that person....

they want everything done for, said to and seen by that person in a picture-perfect way worthy of an oscar. and god forbid if u, as the outsider or third wheeler, said or even only joked about "love" (if neither one of them has said it yet), or "moving in", or "past bfs".

i never made these mistakes before. but i happened to have joked about "being needy" very recently infront of a new couple -- one of the two is a friend of mine who became an annoyed friend of mine.

yup, he was annoyed at me when i joked (JOKED!) that he was "needy". i don't think his bf took it seriously. but for my friend, that was apparently me throwing an armageddon at the whole thing.

i can understand what he's going through. i've been through it myself. when u finally find something good, u want to keep it around. and to keep it around, u have to carefully work for it. and when u finally find something REALLY good and awesome, then hear a friend say something that u think might jeopardize everything, u pull out the silent treatment at ur friend, tell him to shut up, stay away, and say good-bye to everyone standing around him but not him.

i SOOO understand.

^_^

sunny afternoon :)

2007-02-10T16:41:00.000-08:00

when u live in vancouver, u have to get used to the fact that sunny afternoons don't come easy from november to march or april. so when it was sunny this afternoon, i decided to go to dt and sit outside with a cup of tea in my hands. but of course i wanna share such a nice afternoon, so i went through a list of ppl that i could call up. since me and McPiggy used to sit outside blenz lots, let's call him :) half an hr later, we were both sipping tea outside blenz.

and then we saw this...

it's a rare sight, they don't come out often, i've only seen them a few times having lived in vancouver for 13yrs. but then an even more rare thing happened...

they were writing that car a ticket! it just never occurred to me that cops on horses give tickets lol i'm dumb :)

well.. this is disturbing and yet very exciting....

2007-02-10T10:29:00.000-08:00

on the afternoon of my birthday (jan 12), i made a goal -- to gain 10lbs before the next new yrs eve. so it would work out to about 1 pound or so each month. that doesn't sound too hard, right?

since then, i've been using protein powder everyday, eating 4 or 5 meals a day, going to the gym 4 or 5 times a week (when not working).

about 3 weeks ago i weighted 131lbs. this morning i weighted myself again -- with an empty stomach, not having had water, and after using the bathroom (1 and 2 lol) -- 136lbs

O_O

the big V

2007-02-10T10:02:00.000-08:00

valentines day is coming up, next week wednesday. i thought i was gonna be able to spend it having a bf, but unfortunately i'll have to spend yet another v-day without one -- making it 5yrs in a roll now...

but oh well, life goes on and i'm enjoying spending time with my friends. like last night, friday night. i was a bit worried that i would have nothing to do and be stuck at home but the double McTs called (a couple) and invited me over for dinner with them and some xboxing :) (i got slaughtered playing halo......)

when in doubt, trust ur friends ^_^ something that i have to learn and catch up on since i sacrificed hanging out with my friends for hanging out with McPiggy and his friends in the past many months. actually i feel kinda guilty for that. i really should start realizing that i have more good friends than i thought.

but anyways, there's a v-day joke for everyone :)

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

i live with stupidity

2007-02-09T15:12:00.000-08:00

just when i couldn't think of anything to post here, my roommate did something only he can do.

i was cooking some rice in his rice cooker (i have rice more than he does but he makes some for himself every now and then) and since it takes a while to cook, i went to shower (25mins). when i came out i found my rice -- completely not cooked and still drowned in water inside the cooking pot -- and the pot inside the sink. i couldn't believe it!

i ran to my roommate's room, "what the f**k did u pull the rice cooking pot out for?" (i've already edited a whole lot of @$!#& out)

"what? it's done." my roommate was very confident in this, "it wasn't even hot!"

does this look cooked to u..?

we need more guys like these in vancouver!!!

2007-02-08T01:04:00.000-08:00

i usually don't do this, but let's talk about a couple of cute guys lol i decided to write a post about these two guys cuz i was talking to a new friend on msn 2 days ago and we got to talking about a hk actor and cute guy topic. the next day at work, the morning, i was still thinking about them both lol

two yrs ago, i went to hk to visit my family. i ended from stay for 3 months instead of the planned 3 weeks. in between, i also went to bangkok with new friends i made in hk. in bangkok, the last night i was there, i met this cute cute CUTE guy at DJ Station (the gay bar in bangkok).

(the guy on the left is a friend of mine) the guy in the white shirt is Benz. he's so so oh so cute!! and he spoke english is such a cute way too :) it's too bad i met him the last night i was gonna be in bangkok. these pics were taken the morning before me and my friend left. it was pretty much like this..

he was a friend of my hk friend's friend and we met at the bar and we just liked each other. talked a little bit, went back to my hotel room, and then sex lol and then morning sex lol and then i unwilling packed my bags and he walked me to the lobby and found out my friends were late, so we literally ran upstairs to have sex again HAHAHA

i just couldn't help it, he's so cute!!

but unfortunately, went back to hk. i missed him a little. and then a funny thing happened -- on tv, there was a drama series (cop school related) and there was this actor who looked alot like him!!

i just felt in love at first sight lol i even endured having to sit with my parents shoulder to shoulder for an hr a night to watch him.

sigh.... i have never seen anyone in vancouver who's remotely this cute. well, may be McPiggy (feel better? lol)

so i guess this post is actually boring, but not for me hahahaha *drooling drooling*

coming clean

2007-02-08T00:56:00.000-08:00

i think i'm stupid, or just can't hide something like this from anyone. i feel the need -- no, urge! -- to confess about what's going on in my head.

it's just that, i don't want to be thinking about it anymore and i don't wanna have to feel like i'm hiding something every time hanging out.

i'm not assuming anything will change after i confess -- and not hoping since i can't ethically go through with that. but hiding feels like lying. most of all, once i've heard myself confess everything out verbally, i should be able to control my head better and just be done with it.

and it's not a big deal, right? i shouldn't make it into too serious of a conversation. it should be relaxed and with jokes or something.

it's just so stupid the stuff in my head didn't come earlier. but then it would still be unethical to go through with it. now i have to confess that i feel something and have been thinking of it. stupid stupid stupid!!!

need to come clean! need to be done with it all!!

i can be fun on msn :)

2007-02-05T23:47:00.000-08:00

xxxx: says:
hahah ... not much . just back from FW

justin says:
any hot ones?

xxxx: says:
haha yah

xxxx: says:
the one we saw

xxxx: says:
remember

xxxx: says:
muscles

justin says:
and tanned

xxxx: says:
hahaha yes that was the one

xxxx: says:
looks kinda singaporean

justin says:
ask

justin says:
ASK

justin says:
A S K !!!!

xxxx: says:
ask what

xxxx: says:
for a spot?

xxxx: says:
lol

justin says:
sure

justin says:
i'm doing bench presses, can u spot me

justin says:
my head will be near ur crotch

justin says:
ooooh, u smell nice there

xxxx: says:
LOL

xxxx: says:
u just think of everything don't u

justin says:
yes

justin says:
oooooooOOOOOOO i can see up ur shorts

justin says:
why aren't u wearing underwear?

justin says:
oh my, what's that on my face

justin says:
oh u'r dripping

justin says:
that's hot

justin says:
that's so hot

eat damn it! EEAAAAAAT!!!

2007-02-05T23:09:00.000-08:00

i cook for myself 90% of the time. the 10% is eating out. when i cook for myself, i want to do it quick, simple, big, and nutritious. but since i've started eating 4 to 5 times a day (usually each time is the size of one meal for other ppl), i have to find some even quicker way to eat.

fruits r nice, since eating more means eating lots of carbs and fruits help with.... well, moving "stuff" along lol but that's not enough protein and carbs. so, this is what i learned from McMB:

chicken breast with a whole wheat wrap. his version is bake chicken with cheese on top with chillies. my version is lettuce (fiber!! fiber!!) and microwaved chicken breast. faster than baking hehehehe

and it's tasty. and quick for just a snack ^_^

convervation of energy

2007-02-05T22:50:00.000-08:00

this is what i learned in high school Physics 11 -- the law of conservation:

Conservation of energy states that the total amount of energy in an isolated system remains constant, although it may change forms (for instance, friction turns kinetic energy into thermal energy). In thermodynamics, the first law of thermodynamics is a statement of the conservation of energy for thermodynamic systems.

Put simply, The law of conservation of energy states that energy can not be created (made from nothing), or destroyed (made to disappear to no-where) and that energy can be changed from one form to another (such as electrical energy in to heat energy).

and in psychology, freud, suggested that in our minds it is the same -- since the break up, i've turned my sadness into gym energy and eating energy lol

it worked! i've gained quite a bit for less than 3 weeks time. it's not so different that everyone would be able to tell, but some ppl noticed :) and after i've finished my painting project this week, it is back to the gym full force!!!

my goal: to gain 10lbs before the next new yrs eve. i've gained 0.5 to 1 full lb since i started mid jan. i have hope!

i'll get pretty and find a cute boy to do this with....

speechless

2007-02-04T20:51:00.000-08:00

my 50th blog

2007-02-04T17:59:00.000-08:00

it's my 50th blog!!! the big FIVE and ZERO!!!!!!

actually i don't care, not even if it was my 1000th blog, i'm not so ridiculous ;)

oh mom...

2007-02-03T11:59:00.000-08:00

my mom is a health freak in her own way -- not only that she wears one of those big-ass i-am-so-afraid-of-skin-cancer visor over her face, she also has an obsessive need to wash all fruits. i just eat them.

"aren't u gonna wash that pear?"

"no, i just eat them."

"but it's so dirty and god knows what chemicals r on them."

"i'm lazy."

"if u don't wanna wash cuz is too much work, u could peel it."

paging McMB

2007-02-03T11:46:00.000-08:00

MB is a new friend of mine (congras on ur dating progress with McFunny ^_^ ). and he lived in taiwan for 3 yrs before coming back to vancouver and he can speak mandarin quite well. so i expected him to have some basic asian knowledge and common sense.

one afternoon, after gym, we was making lunch cuz he owed me (MUAHAHAHA), and he asked me to beat some eggs in a bowl and he handed me a fork...

"what's that! i'm asian!!!" obviously just to bug him, but i didn't want to use a fork, "give me chopsticks man."

"oh y-e-a-h," he reached toward a pile of chopsticks, "u'r SOOO asian." and handed me one chopstick.

to McMB: i told u this is gonna end up on my blog HA!

my cousin and her husband

2007-02-03T11:38:00.000-08:00

i recently saw my cousin, ian, and her husband, cho at a family dinner. she was pregnant as hell with chubby fingers and huge boobs -- "look at ur BOOBS!!" was the thing i said after "hey". she was supposed to give birth at any given moment this week and she wanted it done the week before this week lol

"i just want to get this done!" her eyes were kinda wide...

"i'm sure u'll be screaming in pain with ur legs opened wide on a hospital bed soon enough." i tend to get to the graphic point.

"oh u know what my coworker said to me the other day?" her husband, cho, jumped into the conversation. "my coworker said that we should have sex more to induce labor, and i told her we already do, and she said...

then u'r not banging her hard enough."

oh my god i'm SHORT!!!

2007-02-02T21:40:00.000-08:00

a yr something ago i thought i was 5'9. and that had pretty much been the foundation of a large part of my existence (the boys in my family didn't only compete with weight lifting but also height).

and then i opened up an account at fridae dot com and, in there, where u put in ur height, it has a very convenient tool -- u just need to put in how tall u r by cm and it gives u how tall u r by inches. so for whatever reason, i took out my driver's license and looked for my cm at the back -- 178cm. according to fridae dot com 178cm is 5'10" i was so happy!!!

earlier tonight, i went out with a friend to watch "the messengers" (gooooood). and somehow my height came up and he, very confidently, said "u'r not 5'10, u don't look it"

look! my driver's license says i'm 178 and that's 5'10!!!

"no u'r not!" and he wiped out his cell phone and started calculating -- out came 5'8"

o_O

no wonder some ppl complain that some asian guys online "lie" about their height!!! cuz there were lied to like me!!!!!!

I'M FREAKING SHORT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GGRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA *explodes.....*

a public service annoucement

2007-02-02T11:03:00.000-08:00

so on downelink, a recently out and experiencing-it-all guy expressed that it seems to be so easy for straight ppl to find a steady partner but gay ppl can't.

this is what i had to say:

it's harder for us cuz 1) statistically there'r more of them 2) it's easier for them to just run into each other (on the street, at school, etc) 3) most of them have been practicing dating/communicating and all that stuff since 12 or 13 of age, and we usually start late, or very late, so we lack communication skills and already old enough to have sex. lacking communication skills and being able to freely have sex (since we're all guys and of age), u put two guys together they communicate with their dicks first. and after that, they lack the skills to communicate through their heads/mouth. one night stands and one-month datings are created this way.

is it easy for me? no. it is not easy for anyone who wants to have a long term relationship, straight or gay. straight ppl might have more of them in a series only because they can find a partner easier. but they don't stay together very successfully as well. divorce rate last yr or two yrs ago was 1/2 in the states and 1/3 in canada. so pls don't fall into the sad and self-defeat thinking that gay ppl can't and don't want long term relationships. all of my friends want them, and i want one and ready for one. it's just hard to find chemistry and compatibility.

anyone agree?

power of gossip

2007-02-02T10:47:00.000-08:00

here's what was written on piggy's (my ex) blog:

well, interesting enough, I heard (*from) one of justin's ex that justin broke up with him on his bd. what a karma!

someone

piggy showed me the comment last night and i was so confused. W H A T ?? i never broke up with anyone one a birthday!! but apparently some ppl believe that i have done such a horrible thing.

W - H - A - T ???

ppl already gossip about me liking SM stuff (which is not true) and that i'm not serious about relationships (which is not true), and now i do WHATTTTTT?????????

a spark

2007-02-01T00:01:00.000-08:00

i went over to see my mom tonight (she's staying with her sister). i wasn't looking forward to it -- didn't know what to talk to her about and didn't want to tell her anything. motivation to go was purely obligation.

the plan was to get there 9:30 and leave around 10:30. one full hr should be enough. and my aunt and uncle will be there to break the silence, it shouldn't be too hard.

i got there around 9:30 as planned, walked in, sat down, and my aunt and uncle went up stairs to get ready for bed O_O

i just kept staring at the tv (chinese channels have some really poorly made commercials!!). but she started to talk about everything -- about how dad completely doesn't know how to take care of himself while she was here in vancouver, "before u go to vancouver, can u put out 12 pairs of socks, underwear and such for me?" open a drawer, dad! she talked about how well benny, my brother, was doing in hk learning to be a tailor in my dad's shop.

but one thing i didn't expect was that she started talking about benny's past failed relationships. (apparently benny talked to mom quite a bit about this stuff -- an activity i was completely foreign with.) benny hasn't had it easy either with his past relationships; full of heartaches, some betrayals, and definitely complexity.

she knew i got dumped (as mentioned in a previous post); so by telling me, i think she was trying to let me see that me and benny have some common ground (me and my brother had not had a causal conversation for over ten yrs; we're practically strangers). our parents had always wanted us to be more.... brotherly.

for whatever reason, i told her about the break up -- why, how, etc.

she sat right up; it was an extremely rare thing that i would tell her stuff. she asked that is "this type" of relationship harder to keep; i knew she thinks that about gay ppl. i explained to her that any relationship is hard (divorce rate is 1/2 to 1/3 in both canada and u.s.). in her own way she tried to understand (more twisted and damaged than me i bet lol). she then said, "how do u young ppl make it so complicated." compared to her generation, we're complicated; they were simple in that they get into a relationship to stay in one and get married.

"have i improved?" she asked me, "compared to a few yrs ago." she was referring to the homophobic emotional abuse she put me through (for almost a yr) when i was 19.

i happily nodded my head.

she's mom, she's trying, what can i do.

i left around 11:30 after suggesting lunch on friday.

it was supposed to be a nice little walk with fresh air.....

2007-01-30T22:35:00.000-08:00

so i was out on davie street earlier tonight cuz i was looking for something. and i parked a little bit away from where i was gonna go to so that i could also had a little walk, with fresh air.

as i was walking happily up davie street, i thought to myself, "let's really take in some night time fresh air and enjoy it." so i proceeded to take a deep breath... i didn't know i was right next to a parked bus and , at the same time i was taking my let's-have-some-nice-night-time-fresh-air breath, it suddenly sped away leaving behind pure air pollution.... my lungs didn't like that.

a few minutes later, up 2 blocks or so, i decided to try again. no bus stop around me, good. i opened up my nostrils and sucked in -- some guy with disgusting cologne rushed pass me from left to right..... the back of my nose burned a little.

a few minutes later, not having learned my lessons -- u see, i'm stubborn -- i decided to try yet again. ok, no bus stop or ppl around me this time (i actually side-stepped away from any possible moving 'things' including bus/car or ppl)...

at the third, and final, attempt of the night to have a nice deep breath of fresh air, i took it right next to our very fabulous davie-street-speical pink trash can.

new toy pt 3

2007-01-29T19:57:00.000-08:00

put all 3 of them together.... *drooling drooling*

it's almost like computer stuff gone Wii style lol

new toy pt 2

2007-01-29T19:50:00.001-08:00

new toy

2007-01-29T19:45:00.001-08:00

grey's anatomy fans must watch!!!

2007-01-29T19:40:00.000-08:00

".... and the other one in rehab"

HAHAHAHA

upcoming movie

2007-01-29T19:11:00.000-08:00

there'r chris evans, michelle yeoh, and cillian murphy AND the director of transpotting and 28 days later.

i. am. so. gonna. watch. that!!

yet another hilarious quote from my mom

2007-01-29T10:28:00.000-08:00

ever since when i mysteriously lost 20lbs in 3yrs during high school (from 150 to below 130) my parents have been obsessed with my weight. due to gyming, i got bigger recently and one of my cousins, during that family dinner saturday night, said, "u look bigger, been working out?" my mom heard what she said and turned to me with such excitement in her eyes:

"can u take ur shirt off and let me take a picture, ur dad really wanna see it."

saturday night family dinner

2007-01-28T23:01:00.001-08:00

so as i said, my mom (and brother) r here, which means tons of relatives here will wanna get together and have a big dinner. at the dinner table, there were about 3 couples around the age of late 50's. and the conversations between them evolved around...

1) menopause, hot flashes, and mid life crisis
2) cancer, tumor, current diseases and what they think will work (u don't wanna know lol)
3) an aunt of mine apparently is clinically depressed and his a neurotic son
4) an uncle of mine apparently is cheating on his wife, with 3 other women in china o_O

and they were loud!

my mom has arrived............

2007-01-27T12:55:00.000-08:00

so as i posted, my mom and brother r gonna be here for 10 days. i picked them up from the airport yesterday and drove them around to get their stuff done for 5hrs -- at the end of the night, my head was melting from the inside...

my brother, benny, has a girlfriend here even though he has moved back to hk permanently living with our parents almost a yr ago and he asked me to go pick her up so that she can come along to have mom's driver's license renewed and renting a car -- "it's on the way anyways" he said. no it wasn't.

me driving, benny was sitting next to me and my mom was at the back. obviously, benny would wanna sit at the back with his girlfriend since they haven't seen each other for months, so he asked, "later, do u wanna sit at the front, cuz it's not comfortable at the back." coward. my mom, being as u-should-only-care-about-me-and-no-one-else as ever, said "i'm comfortable back here."

because of recent events in my life, i understood the pain of missing someone -- and at least his situation was a two-way street -- so i did what was very untraditional for a chinese family by telling her off, "u know they haven't seen each other for months, can't u be nice?"

after a few moments of silence, my mom started cleaning up the back seats, "well, let me clean this up so that ppl can sit here comfortably." queen of passive aggressiveness -- she was trying to make me feel guilty and to show herself as "nice" by suddenly cleaning my back seats.

we arrived at the girlfriend's apt building and he went to get her. both me and my mom got outside of the car to get some fresh air. and she wouldn't let the it go, "so how come u'r so suddenly in-tune with relationship stuff?" i unwillingly replied, "because i got dumped."

here's the thing -- my mom, even when i was a little kid, always tried to tell me (directly or indirectly) that i should not love or have any affection for anyone else other than inside the family. meaning = HER

so the rest of the conversation was like this:

"because i got dumped."

"how long were u two .. 'together'?"

"8 months."

"that's not long."

"not short either."

"it's still not long."

"when u fell in love with a person u fell in love with a person."

"is felling in love and all that stuff so important to u?"

benny and his girlfriend showed up, talking and smiling. they seemed happy.

thursday night

2007-01-26T10:15:00.000-08:00

i've just realized that i haven't given "him" a name here yet; i've always referred to him as "him". so, i'm calling him "piggy" MUAHAHAHAA i know he reads this blog (i read his regularly too) and i know he's gonna hate me for calling him that, but... i really don't know what else to call u :)

so thursday night it was supposed to be tv night -- ugly betty and grey's anatomy -- but i found out there was no ugly betty so i thought may be me and piggy should only have dinner instead. dinner, one-on-one, i thought, would give us a chance to learn to talk to each other casually as friends, cuz we've never done that before.

however, as i was napping that afternoon (that was the afternoon i wrote the "encouragement" post, so yeah, didn't go to gym.... MB convinced me, i blame him), piggy called and said that dinner plan had changed -- let's add on about 8 of his friends.... o_O

i knew i was in trouble right away -- i used to be bored and left out enough when me and him were bfs, now i was gonna sit at a table with him and 8 of his friends, all speaking fast mandarin. yeah, i guess i'll just sit there and... sit there.

i always say, "give ppl a chance, and they'll surprise u." piggy did. shortly after ordering, he switched seats to sit across from me. his friend who switched seat with him asked why but he didn't say why. and then his friend looked at me and smiled, and i smiled too. for the rest of the dinner, he talked to me a few times, and i talked to him a few times. i even joined in on a big conversation about "how sperm sample is taken at a clinic" lol (someone said using a needle is better than the "natural" way.... OUCH!)

so all and all it was a good night. i thought i would have to sit there and rot, but he didn't let that happen.

just thought i would write about that night. no punch line at the end or anything ^_^

encouragement needed

2007-01-25T14:12:00.000-08:00

on my 27th birthday (2 weeks ago), i made a decision -- gain 10lbs before the next new yrs eve. which means i have to do alot of gym and eat alot. which i can do and have been doing (and i've gotten some results -- as good of results as 2 weeks can give ya).

BUT I'M SO TIRED TODAY!!!!!!!

i'm totally and completely whining. but i have an excuse -- *drum music* wait for it, wait for it -- i couldn't fell aspleep. i was too stupid and careless and had 4 cups of green tea around 11pm (we were having sushi).

lack of sleep lack of sleep lack of sleep

today is abs/waist day.... i really should go......

god! am i still writing this???

ok, to encourage myself.... here's a pic of some guy doing what i should go to do lol

fun fun fun!!! pt 2

2007-01-25T02:26:00.000-08:00

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

fun fun fun!!!

2007-01-25T02:16:00.000-08:00

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

i found this site through a profile in downelink -- so much funny stuff!!!

help!!

2007-01-25T00:36:00.001-08:00

can someone teach me how to put a song on my blog???

"tolerance"?

2007-01-24T14:22:00.000-08:00

i generally agree to the idea of the video, of course. but i don't think we should be tolerated.

to tolerate something, u ignore "it". u do not attempt to understand "it" and to be critical about what u assume is true about "it".

tolerating will not solve problems and will not help anyone to be a better person.

we all need to think more and understand more.

foodchain

2007-01-24T14:03:00.000-08:00

while making my lunch, this is what i found when i cut open a green peper...

my mom is coming to town...

2007-01-24T11:00:00.000-08:00

here's another version
http://www.totallycrap.com/videos/video_you_are_so_gay/

so my mom is coming to town (from hk) for ten days on friday. what kind of a person is my mom?

1) she forced my elementary school's principle into not letting me attend any p.e. classes, for yrs (without real medical reasons) (that's why i'm not good in sport, never grew that part of my brain). and i was forced to watch my classmates have fun.

2) the day that i got the news that my high school friend died and i wanted to skip school, my mom said, "well i don't want to set up a bad example for ur brother."

3) when my mom found out i had a bf, she threatened to kick me out if i don't let them control my life - aka break up, no friends or phone or internet, no going out on my own. and she forced me to fly to hk to out myself to my dad - as my mom said, "if ur dad have a heart attack, call ur uncle."

(i ran away from home and didn't let them contact me for 3 yrs after a few months of that abuse. but a few yrs ago i contacted them, trying to put that chapter behind myself.)

so me and mom aren't best friends ^_^

let's pause for a minute

2007-01-23T20:14:00.000-08:00

at first when i started to write my blog (less than two weeks ago i guess), i kinda thought to myself, "no one is ever gonna read this, so i guess i'll have to remind myself that i'm just writing for myself." but recently, i realized that there'r a few ppl who come read regularly :)

so, i would like to take a moment and thank you for all the ppl who visit here and read my stuff.

thank you! thank you! thank you!

^_^

HD - Porn???

2007-01-23T11:13:00.000-08:00

here's something fun fun fun!! (no is not porn-porn, it's an article lol)

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/01/22/business/media/22porn.html?_r=1&oref=slogin

2007-01-23T10:51:00.000-08:00

i fell in love with the song when it first came out and i started being able to relate to the lyrics about two months ago. but u see, that's a bad thing -- the guy was in love with someone who wasn't in love with him.

i knew it. i knew he wasn't in love with me. i was in denial and chose to ignore my instinct; i chose to be stupid. yeah, "stupid", that's the first word that comes to mind for describing what i was.

i should have said something or asked him earlier. i should have been the mature one. i should have been smart about it.

but u see, i was in love.

so "gay"? so "pretty boy"?

2007-01-22T18:22:00.000-08:00

when i was 14, i was forced to do my first set of bench presses (that's when u lie down and lift up a steel bar with weights attached to each end of the bar). it was painful and i hated it -- no dad, i don't see the point!

u see. when my dad was young, he actually worked out ALOT. it was the 70's in hk and no one worked out, but he did. i've seen a pic of him on the beach back in the days; it was impressive (that's the only way of saying "he had a hot body" without any incestuous subtext - HA!!).

our family is very close to my mom's sister's family and she has 3 kids, all boys, all started lifting weights from god knows when. and 2 out of 3 of them started using protein powder before graduating high school.

my older brother (by 3yrs), was very close to the middle one of the 3 brothers. so my brother freaking bonded with my dad and the middle brother through lifting weights.

so i was surrounded by a bunch of how-much-can-u-bench-press-now freaks all the time.

to make it worse, when i was 16 (still haven't touched that bench-press monstrosity since that one time), i fell in love with a friend of mine, straight, who started working out furiously, and then, of course, became even more so i-wanna-touch-him attractive.

so no, gay guys who work out aren't so "gay" so "pretty boy".

mmmm.... yum.........

2007-01-22T15:58:00.000-08:00

just as so many unhealthy foods that make u self-loath afterwards, lusting after guys in the gym is the same - unhealthy and makes u self-loath with i-wish-i-looked-like-that and why-am-i-ugly.

and just as so many unhealthy foods - "but it's so good....!!!!"

lol

ok fine, i'll admit it, i'm not that fine Pt 2

2007-01-21T10:40:00.000-08:00

who was that idiot who said "let's get freaking drunk first and then go out to celeb"??
who was that idiot who starting doing drinking-and-msging?

it's almost 11am and my head's still spinning........... grrrrrrrr

as twisted and damaged as ever..

ok fine, i'll admit it, i'm not that fine

2007-01-20T12:57:00.000-08:00

this week, i went to the gym from monday to thursday, everyday, hardcore-sweaty-torturing-myself kinda attitude, everyday. and yesterday, i was not suppose to go because u'r supposed to give ur body a rest so that i can recover and grow. i went again.

i was just sitting at home, still having that so-not-going thought in my head, but i had nothing to do. and upon that empty and blankness i panic. i either felt a wave of sadness coming or was afraid of a wave of sadness coming and i just had to find something to do. and somehow, forcing my body and having pain seems suitable; so i went again.

i'm fine about losing him as my bf; but i guess i'm not fine about being single and being physically alone at home with nothing to do. it makes me feel lonely. and when i feel lonely because i'm single, i feel i'm such a loser for being so weak. and when i feel like i'm so weak i feel more lonely and the the spiral -- much like that pink energizer rabbit-- just keeps going and going and going.....

so, no, i'm not fine. still as twisted-and-damaged as ever (any grey's anatomy fans here?).