animation rocks!!

so there's a new japaneses animation coming out and it looks awesome. the premise is this:

29 year old Dr. Atsuko Chiba is an attractive but modest Japanese research psychotherapist whose work is on the cutting edge of her field. Her alter-ego is a stunning and fearless 18 year old “dream detective,” code named PAPRIKA, who can enter into people’s dreams and synchronize with their unconscious to help uncover the source of their anxiety or neurosis.

i couldn't find the same trailer i saw from apple dot com so i just put the link here instead:

http://www.apple.com/trailers/sony/paprika/trailer/

but there's a leaked sample of the movie (eng subtitle) on utube

site meter report

apparently my "visit per day" has dropped from around 50 to 30....

i have my health i have my health i have my health.........

rotten!!

- McPiggy is now dating a guy he met when we were still together.
- McMB has decided to cut me out of his life without explaining.

err....

*tapping my forehead on my desk* - "i have my health i have my health i have my health....."

something else about saturday night

that night, i chose to leave alone even though i had nice offers. and i had the most content and calm feeling i've ever had going home from that place. walking on the street, breathing in fresh morning air -- the quiet downtown streets felt so refreshing after all the music, dancing, and guys.

it was a nice little walk to my car. i know made the right choice

after that, i got home, slept a little, a friend called and i went back to dt to hang out with him and a couple of his friends. had some food, some laughs, and some tea.

it was a nice weekend ^_^

ugly duckling

last night was overwhelming and i'm still trying to process it all in my head. so this post might sound broken or weird or something, but pls bear with me :)

i never thought of myself as attractive or hot; usually i think i'm unattractive or... ugly. i do have certain days when i think i look good, but it has more to do with what i was wearing or just how i was feeling at the moment. i just think that i'm not good enough.

lately, there seems to be ppl who want to prove me wrong. last night, there were quite a few of them. they were all nice and attractive good looking ppl who were giving me lots of attention. i'm not used to it all -- the attention, the flirting, the.... (etc etc lol) it was so overwhelming for me that i just wanted to be alone so i went off sitting by myself hidding from ppl lol

ugly duckling?

applaud pls

background story: person A and C were a couple and person B likes A

B came up to A when he was standing near the dance floor and C was dancing in some distance away.

B: (pointing toward C) u did that and u don't like me?
A: see, this is why u'r single. (walked away)

whore anyone?

xx: so whatca gonna do for the weekend?
me: tonight mostly staying in till later and then meet seom friends
xx: Ooo hehe that's a plan! so booked
me: really, doesn't feel too booked
xx: well booked for 2 days...
me: nights
me: not even full nights
me: now i sound like a hooker
xx: hahaha
me: 100 for an hr, 300 over night pls
xx: busy with your clients
xx: can I get discount please?
me: nah, seeing is u, pay up front

a good night to conclude a bad day

as i was saying earlier, i was having a bad day. very very down, very very lost. but then once again i was proven right about my believe -- give ppl a chance and they'll surprise u :)

i was supposed to meet this person for drinks on tuesday night, but half an hr before we were supposed to meet up he called and said did i get his last txt msg. i said no i didn't get any txt from him. apparently he's sick and wanted to take a raincheck may be for thursday or onward, "let's confirm on msn thursday afternoon".

afternoon came (with 2 fights) and he didn't go on msn at all. i thought it was a right off and was looking forward to my grey's anatomy. and then he txted me around 7 asking if i was up for a drink around 9 :)

it was nice chatting with him (we went to oasis). sane and easy to talk to. have to say, kinda cute lol but more importantly, i found out some interesting stories about him and i was comfortable enough to tell some of mine. of course, neither of us went into details, but it was still very informational for a first time hanging out.

after that i went home to watch my taped grey's anatomy (yes, taped as in VHS, old school eh? lol well it's faster than downloading).

so, all in all, a good night :)

bad day

it's been a pretty bad day today. i was originally ordinary.. and then... 2 fights with 2 different ppl, one right after another.

don't feel like gyming... stomach isn't feeling right... the only thing i look forward to is tv tonight... just wanna go to sleep right now and wake up for the shows and go back to bed again...

my eyes! my eyes..!! my self-esteem!!!!

ever since i gained my 5lbs, i've been very eager to gain another 10lbs. just thinking about the fact that i'm no longer boarder lining 130, 131lbs but around 135, 136lbs makes me so happy ^_^

Onward! Gain Another 10lbs!!

which means back to the gym religiously 4-5 times a week (i went and forced myself through my routines even though i was still a bit sick yesterday). and eating religiously as well (errr my stomach....)

just as i've been feeling good about my progress, something strange has been happening at the gym lately.... for whatever reason, there's a lot more hot guys walking around. they r for sure nice to look at and to motivate me to gain my 10lbs..... but...... i feel so small around them :( at the same time i can't help but to look at them (and drool....) can't control my eyes and then my new found self-esteem plungers again....

errrrrrrrrr

p.s. there's this new guy at the gym who looks like McSteamy from the show
p.s.s. and i swear i saw a McDreamy look alike last week

"i see gay people" LOL

i don't like basketball; and i certainly don't watch NBA shows. my brother likes it though and he would watch most of the playoffs. If there was a game on live on tv and it was dinner time, whatever show i was watching didn't matter and it would just be switched to the game and i would just have to sit there and watch the stupid game. (surprisingly, sweaty hulky men in shorts rubbing onto each other -- often their back sides onto others front sides -- didn't spark my interest at all.)

i still don't like basketball; i still don't watch the games; and i still don't know their names and what not.

so i don't know who Tim Hardaway is and i certainly don't know why/when he said he hates gay ppl.

but i do know who George Takei (from original star trek) and i do know he's gay and playing Hiro's dad in Heores. and i love the public service announcement he made in response to the hate comment ^_^

the original free hug campaign

i found the original free hug campaign that started it all --

free hug campaign

it's amazing what some ppl are willing to do and can do. humans, as a species, r killing the planet and each other. but some humans, as individuals, give hope and inspiration.

there r ppl undertaking this campaign in korea, japan, portland, amsterdam, newfoundland, israel. italy.. just to name a few

what a weekend...

it was a great weekend but sometimes it seems the more fun u fun during a weekend, the more tired and trashed ur next couple of days r gonna be lol

friday night, after dinner i went to McPiggy's friend's place (in new westminster) for chinese new yrs eve (according to china's time zone). we played mj for hrs, but i left early around 2am instead of 4am (china's midnight for new yrs eve). too tired, not into mj that night and i knew i was gonna have a hell of a saturday night -- and i did, keep reading ;) on the way home friday night though, i almost got hit by some car trying to turn left from the on coming traffic -- my light was green!! and then when i was 2 blocks from home, some other car sped up the hill from the on coming traffic so fast and so fucking close to me if it hit me i shouldn't still be in a hospital.

saturday night.... oh saturday night........ oooooh

lol

well, short version.. had a dinner with some relatives. one of my drunk uncles that night sitting across the table asked me and the guy cousin on my left, "so when r u two gonna get married?" (he meant each of us finding a wife) and then he remembered that i'm gay, he continued on with his little speech with "u" instead of "u two" or "u guys" and didn't look at me once. we can get married u drunk! a few minutes later, the cousin on my right asked me about my time in bangkok. yeah.. not a children friendly topic, seeing her three children r sitting very close by HAH!

after the dinner.... my official saturday night began...................... u see, it was one of those nights that i felt the need to cut loose and blow off some steam.

a little bit of this.. a little bit of that.......

i got home 9am next morning

use ur imagination :)

good night ^_^

long d relationship

my roommate just told me that his bf, who lives with us, is moving to san diego next month because of a much better job. they've decided to do the long d thing.

i'm sad for them, cuz it's gonna be hard -- losing the routines they've created, not sleeping next to each other, not cooking for each other, eating with each other, going away to my roommate's cabin together, etc etc...

after next month, they will at most be able to see each other once a month, each time for 3 days or less. that's very sad.

i've never done one before, a long d relationship. i wonder would i. i guess i wouldn't, i don't think i'm cut out for being left alone like that for too long. i need the routine, i need the closeness, and i need to see that person and talk to him and touch him and kiss him and cuddle him and so much more...

oh call me needy whatever!! lol

locker room fun

happy chinese new yr guys :)

p.s. i was trying to find a good picture of any new yr pig, but couldn't...

p.s.s on the way home tonight, i almost got into two car accidents, both of them almost got in my way. the first one, if it hit me, would've only been bad for my car. but the second one, if it did hit me, i think i wouldn't be here typing this right now..... happy new yr to me.. i guess..

speechless with tears in my eyes..

Song: Origin of Love


When the earth was still flat,
And the clouds made of fire,
And mountains stretched up to the sky,
Sometimes higher,
Folks roamed the earth
Like big rolling kegs.
They had two sets of arms.
They had two sets of legs.
They had two faces peering
Out of one giant head
So they could watch all around them
As they talked; while they read.
And they never knew nothing of love.
It was before the origin of love.

The origin of love

And there were three sexes then,
One that looked like two men
Glued up back to back,
Called the children of the sun.
And similar in shape and girth
Were the children of the earth.
They looked like two girls
Rolled up in one.
And the children of the moon
Were like a fork shoved on a spoon.
They were part sun, part earth
Part daughter, part son.

The origin of love

Now the gods grew quite scared
Of our strength and defiance
And Thor said,
"I'm gonna kill them all
With my hammer,
Like I killed the giants."
And Zeus said, "No,
You better let me
Use my lightening, like scissors,
Like I cut the legs off the whales
And dinosaurs into lizards."
Then he grabbed up some bolts
And he let out a laugh,
Said, "I'll split them right down the middle.
Gonna cut them right up in half."
And then storm clouds gathered above
Into great balls of fire

And then fire shot down
From the sky in bolts
Like shining blades
Of a knife.
And it ripped
Right through the flesh
Of the children of the sun
And the moon
And the earth.
And some Indian god
Sewed the wound up into a hole,
Pulled it round to our belly
To remind us of the price we pay.
And Osiris and the gods of the Nile
Gathered up a big storm
To blow a hurricane,
To scatter us away,
In a flood of wind and rain,
And a sea of tidal waves,
To wash us all away,
And if we don't behave
They'll cut us down again
And we'll be hopping round on one foot
And looking through one eye.

Last time I saw you
We had just split in two.
You were looking at me.
I was looking at you.
You had a way so familiar,
But I could not recognize,
Cause you had blood on your face;
I had blood in my eyes.
But I could swear by your expression
That the pain down in your soul
Was the same as the one down in mine.
That's the pain,
Cuts a straight line
Down through the heart;
We called it love.
So we wrapped our arms around each other,
Trying to shove ourselves back together.
We were making love,
Making love.
It was a cold dark evening,
Such a long time ago,
When by the mighty hand of Jove,
It was the sad story
How we became
Lonely two-legged creatures,
It's the story of
The origin of love.
That's the origin of love.

flipping through old pictures

i was chatting with someone on msn and i happened to ask him about his glasses. he seems to wear his glasses most of the time and so i asked him does he wear lenses. then we got into what i look like with glasses. so i went into my picture folders and looked for a picture of me with glasses to send to him.

and of course, all the pictures with McPiggy were there. i clicked on some of them. he of course looked cute (hear that? feel good now? u i-go-to-clubs-to-look-at-cute-guys! lol i told u i would put it up here muahaha). however, i felt fine.

i even looked at the pictures with me and him cuddling up in a coach and i was fine. it's not something that i dwell in and feel sad about anymore. true that i still feel affection for him and have a smile on my face when past memories of us pass by my mind, but i'm not in pain anymore.

it's gonna be nice to hang out with him with a clear mind from now on and just be friends.

moving on ^_^

to myself

being a good and responsible person is not easy; life is not easy. when u first met him u knew it was too soon for u to date and u knew there would be a good chance u would end up hurting him eventually.

u made the right decision. don't start doubting urself; don't start thinking the could-haves, should-haves, and would-haves; don't regret.

he's happy; the happiest he has ever been in his life. his bf is happy; probably the happiest he has ever been in his life.

they deserve each other and they laugh together.


when it's time for u to deserve it, it happens. when it's the right person, u'll know.

i have a cold...

i hate this year's valentine's day..

what's bad?
being single on this day.

what's worse?
i'm sick and couldn't go to the gym.

what's double worse?
me getting sicker having to drive McMB around to get his valentine-dinner-groceries for his bf.

what's triple worse?
i just really really wanted to go to the gym... :(

"wanna go for coffee?"

i've actually started to enjoy talking to different ppl online. of course that's after having filtered out the ones that ask "r u top or bottm" and the ones that "how big r u" and the ones that.. u get the picture.

don't get me wrong, i'm not a saint; sex is fun and i like having it. however, right now i'll focus more on 1) getting to know more ppl, 2) make some interesting friends along the way, and 3) may be have a few dates here and there.

i've been successfully doing the first and second thing, but where the hell r the dates!!!!

it's hard to meet ppl that u think is attractive enough (doesn't have to be hot) and sane enough (doesn't have to be completely mature). even harder to have these ppl think of u in the same way. and usually is just one disappointment after another another yet another..

sigh....

happy thoughts.. happy thoughts..

fridge fun

have u seen those little packages of magnets that u can buy and they're like these little words. u'r supposed to use ur best imagination and creativity to make use of those little words and make poetry.

i hate writing poetry. i just suck at it.

but when i was kinda drunk at McMB's place this saturday and he found one of those packs of magnet words, i thought i would try.


it's not very good. it might not be anything at all. but since i was drunk and did it under 3 minutes AND that those 3 lines mean something to me, i thought i would share with u guys.

time time time...

it's been a month since the break up and Yes i'm still talking about it lol

- been through the lowest lows and almost back to normal
- kinda of used to being single now
- enjoying talking to more new ppl

all in all, i'm fine now. just having the occasional blues and philosophical moments every now and then :)

happy V-day... sort of

what makes u fell in love with a person

- the little cute things the person does?

- the things that the person believes in and it makes him a good person?

- the person is good to u?

- the person understands u?

any one of the above? any two of the above? all of the above??

how cute (inside and out) does the person have to be? how good of a human being does the person have to be (believing in a good cost or organizing an actual charity event)? how good to u is good? how much of understand? more than urself understand urself?

OR

is it how the person makes u feel inside when u'r with him....

makes u feel good? takes the pain/loneliness away? makes u laugh?

does he have to be ur best friend at the same time and share ur ideals and believes? or does he have to be ur best enemy with opposing political views and can challenge u?

what has made u fell in love with a person lucky enough to be loved by u.

neurotic!!

some ppl can become quite neurotic when they have started to fall for a person and r afraid of losing or being rejected by that person....

they want everything done for, said to and seen by that person in a picture-perfect way worthy of an oscar. and god forbid if u, as the outsider or third wheeler, said or even only joked about "love" (if neither one of them has said it yet), or "moving in", or "past bfs".

i never made these mistakes before. but i happened to have joked about "being needy" very recently infront of a new couple -- one of the two is a friend of mine who became an annoyed friend of mine.

yup, he was annoyed at me when i joked (JOKED!) that he was "needy". i don't think his bf took it seriously. but for my friend, that was apparently me throwing an armageddon at the whole thing.

i can understand what he's going through. i've been through it myself. when u finally find something good, u want to keep it around. and to keep it around, u have to carefully work for it. and when u finally find something REALLY good and awesome, then hear a friend say something that u think might jeopardize everything, u pull out the silent treatment at ur friend, tell him to shut up, stay away, and say good-bye to everyone standing around him but not him.

i SOOO understand.

^_^

sunny afternoon :)

when u live in vancouver, u have to get used to the fact that sunny afternoons don't come easy from november to march or april. so when it was sunny this afternoon, i decided to go to dt and sit outside with a cup of tea in my hands. but of course i wanna share such a nice afternoon, so i went through a list of ppl that i could call up. since me and McPiggy used to sit outside blenz lots, let's call him :) half an hr later, we were both sipping tea outside blenz.

and then we saw this...


it's a rare sight, they don't come out often, i've only seen them a few times having lived in vancouver for 13yrs. but then an even more rare thing happened...



they were writing that car a ticket! it just never occurred to me that cops on horses give tickets lol i'm dumb :)

well.. this is disturbing and yet very exciting....

on the afternoon of my birthday (jan 12), i made a goal -- to gain 10lbs before the next new yrs eve. so it would work out to about 1 pound or so each month. that doesn't sound too hard, right?

since then, i've been using protein powder everyday, eating 4 or 5 meals a day, going to the gym 4 or 5 times a week (when not working).

about 3 weeks ago i weighted 131lbs. this morning i weighted myself again -- with an empty stomach, not having had water, and after using the bathroom (1 and 2 lol) -- 136lbs

O_O

the big V

valentines day is coming up, next week wednesday. i thought i was gonna be able to spend it having a bf, but unfortunately i'll have to spend yet another v-day without one -- making it 5yrs in a roll now...

but oh well, life goes on and i'm enjoying spending time with my friends. like last night, friday night. i was a bit worried that i would have nothing to do and be stuck at home but the double McTs called (a couple) and invited me over for dinner with them and some xboxing :) (i got slaughtered playing halo......)

when in doubt, trust ur friends ^_^ something that i have to learn and catch up on since i sacrificed hanging out with my friends for hanging out with McPiggy and his friends in the past many months. actually i feel kinda guilty for that. i really should start realizing that i have more good friends than i thought.

but anyways, there's a v-day joke for everyone :)


Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

i live with stupidity

just when i couldn't think of anything to post here, my roommate did something only he can do.

i was cooking some rice in his rice cooker (i have rice more than he does but he makes some for himself every now and then) and since it takes a while to cook, i went to shower (25mins). when i came out i found my rice -- completely not cooked and still drowned in water inside the cooking pot -- and the pot inside the sink. i couldn't believe it!

i ran to my roommate's room, "what the f**k did u pull the rice cooking pot out for?" (i've already edited a whole lot of @$!#& out)

"what? it's done." my roommate was very confident in this, "it wasn't even hot!"

does this look cooked to u..?

we need more guys like these in vancouver!!!

i usually don't do this, but let's talk about a couple of cute guys lol i decided to write a post about these two guys cuz i was talking to a new friend on msn 2 days ago and we got to talking about a hk actor and cute guy topic. the next day at work, the morning, i was still thinking about them both lol

two yrs ago, i went to hk to visit my family. i ended from stay for 3 months instead of the planned 3 weeks. in between, i also went to bangkok with new friends i made in hk. in bangkok, the last night i was there, i met this cute cute CUTE guy at DJ Station (the gay bar in bangkok).



(the guy on the left is a friend of mine) the guy in the white shirt is Benz. he's so so oh so cute!! and he spoke english is such a cute way too :) it's too bad i met him the last night i was gonna be in bangkok. these pics were taken the morning before me and my friend left. it was pretty much like this..

he was a friend of my hk friend's friend and we met at the bar and we just liked each other. talked a little bit, went back to my hotel room, and then sex lol and then morning sex lol and then i unwilling packed my bags and he walked me to the lobby and found out my friends were late, so we literally ran upstairs to have sex again HAHAHA

i just couldn't help it, he's so cute!!

but unfortunately, went back to hk. i missed him a little. and then a funny thing happened -- on tv, there was a drama series (cop school related) and there was this actor who looked alot like him!!




i just felt in love at first sight lol i even endured having to sit with my parents shoulder to shoulder for an hr a night to watch him.

sigh.... i have never seen anyone in vancouver who's remotely this cute. well, may be McPiggy (feel better? lol)

so i guess this post is actually boring, but not for me hahahaha *drooling drooling*

coming clean

i think i'm stupid, or just can't hide something like this from anyone. i feel the need -- no, urge! -- to confess about what's going on in my head.

it's just that, i don't want to be thinking about it anymore and i don't wanna have to feel like i'm hiding something every time hanging out.

i'm not assuming anything will change after i confess -- and not hoping since i can't ethically go through with that. but hiding feels like lying. most of all, once i've heard myself confess everything out verbally, i should be able to control my head better and just be done with it.

and it's not a big deal, right? i shouldn't make it into too serious of a conversation. it should be relaxed and with jokes or something.

it's just so stupid the stuff in my head didn't come earlier. but then it would still be unethical to go through with it. now i have to confess that i feel something and have been thinking of it. stupid stupid stupid!!!

need to come clean! need to be done with it all!!

i can be fun on msn :)

xxxx: says:
hahah ... not much . just back from FW

justin says:
any hot ones?

xxxx: says:
haha yah

xxxx: says:
the one we saw

xxxx: says:
remember

xxxx: says:
muscles

justin says:
and tanned

xxxx: says:
hahaha yes that was the one

xxxx: says:
looks kinda singaporean

justin says:
ask

justin says:
ASK

justin says:
A S K !!!!

xxxx: says:
ask what

xxxx: says:
for a spot?

xxxx: says:
lol

justin says:
sure

justin says:
i'm doing bench presses, can u spot me

justin says:
my head will be near ur crotch

justin says:
ooooh, u smell nice there

xxxx: says:
LOL

xxxx: says:
u just think of everything don't u

justin says:
yes

justin says:
oooooooOOOOOOO i can see up ur shorts

justin says:
why aren't u wearing underwear?

justin says:
oh my, what's that on my face

justin says:
oh u'r dripping

justin says:
that's hot

justin says:
that's so hot

eat damn it! EEAAAAAAT!!!

i cook for myself 90% of the time. the 10% is eating out. when i cook for myself, i want to do it quick, simple, big, and nutritious. but since i've started eating 4 to 5 times a day (usually each time is the size of one meal for other ppl), i have to find some even quicker way to eat.

fruits r nice, since eating more means eating lots of carbs and fruits help with.... well, moving "stuff" along lol but that's not enough protein and carbs. so, this is what i learned from McMB:


chicken breast with a whole wheat wrap. his version is bake chicken with cheese on top with chillies. my version is lettuce (fiber!! fiber!!) and microwaved chicken breast. faster than baking hehehehe

and it's tasty. and quick for just a snack ^_^

convervation of energy

this is what i learned in high school Physics 11 -- the law of conservation:

Conservation of energy states that the total amount of energy in an isolated system remains constant, although it may change forms (for instance, friction turns kinetic energy into thermal energy). In thermodynamics, the first law of thermodynamics is a statement of the conservation of energy for thermodynamic systems.

Put simply, The law of conservation of energy states that energy can not be created (made from nothing), or destroyed (made to disappear to no-where) and that energy can be changed from one form to another (such as electrical energy in to heat energy).

and in psychology, freud, suggested that in our minds it is the same -- since the break up, i've turned my sadness into gym energy and eating energy lol

it worked! i've gained quite a bit for less than 3 weeks time. it's not so different that everyone would be able to tell, but some ppl noticed :) and after i've finished my painting project this week, it is back to the gym full force!!!

my goal: to gain 10lbs before the next new yrs eve. i've gained 0.5 to 1 full lb since i started mid jan. i have hope!

i'll get pretty and find a cute boy to do this with....

speechless

my 50th blog

it's my 50th blog!!! the big FIVE and ZERO!!!!!!



actually i don't care, not even if it was my 1000th blog, i'm not so ridiculous ;)

oh mom...

my mom is a health freak in her own way -- not only that she wears one of those big-ass i-am-so-afraid-of-skin-cancer visor over her face, she also has an obsessive need to wash all fruits. i just eat them.

"aren't u gonna wash that pear?"

"no, i just eat them."

"but it's so dirty and god knows what chemicals r on them."

"i'm lazy."

"if u don't wanna wash cuz is too much work, u could peel it."

paging McMB

MB is a new friend of mine (congras on ur dating progress with McFunny ^_^ ). and he lived in taiwan for 3 yrs before coming back to vancouver and he can speak mandarin quite well. so i expected him to have some basic asian knowledge and common sense.

one afternoon, after gym, we was making lunch cuz he owed me (MUAHAHAHA), and he asked me to beat some eggs in a bowl and he handed me a fork...

"what's that! i'm asian!!!" obviously just to bug him, but i didn't want to use a fork, "give me chopsticks man."

"oh y-e-a-h," he reached toward a pile of chopsticks, "u'r SOOO asian." and handed me one chopstick.

to McMB: i told u this is gonna end up on my blog HA!

my cousin and her husband

i recently saw my cousin, ian, and her husband, cho at a family dinner. she was pregnant as hell with chubby fingers and huge boobs -- "look at ur BOOBS!!" was the thing i said after "hey". she was supposed to give birth at any given moment this week and she wanted it done the week before this week lol

"i just want to get this done!" her eyes were kinda wide...

"i'm sure u'll be screaming in pain with ur legs opened wide on a hospital bed soon enough." i tend to get to the graphic point.

"oh u know what my coworker said to me the other day?" her husband, cho, jumped into the conversation. "my coworker said that we should have sex more to induce labor, and i told her we already do, and she said...

then u'r not banging her hard enough."

oh my god i'm SHORT!!!

a yr something ago i thought i was 5'9. and that had pretty much been the foundation of a large part of my existence (the boys in my family didn't only compete with weight lifting but also height).

and then i opened up an account at fridae dot com and, in there, where u put in ur height, it has a very convenient tool -- u just need to put in how tall u r by cm and it gives u how tall u r by inches. so for whatever reason, i took out my driver's license and looked for my cm at the back -- 178cm. according to fridae dot com 178cm is 5'10" i was so happy!!!

earlier tonight, i went out with a friend to watch "the messengers" (gooooood). and somehow my height came up and he, very confidently, said "u'r not 5'10, u don't look it"

look! my driver's license says i'm 178 and that's 5'10!!!

"no u'r not!" and he wiped out his cell phone and started calculating -- out came 5'8"

o_O

no wonder some ppl complain that some asian guys online "lie" about their height!!! cuz there were lied to like me!!!!!!

I'M FREAKING SHORT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GGRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA *explodes.....*

a public service annoucement

so on downelink, a recently out and experiencing-it-all guy expressed that it seems to be so easy for straight ppl to find a steady partner but gay ppl can't.

this is what i had to say:

it's harder for us cuz 1) statistically there'r more of them 2) it's easier for them to just run into each other (on the street, at school, etc) 3) most of them have been practicing dating/communicating and all that stuff since 12 or 13 of age, and we usually start late, or very late, so we lack communication skills and already old enough to have sex. lacking communication skills and being able to freely have sex (since we're all guys and of age), u put two guys together they communicate with their dicks first. and after that, they lack the skills to communicate through their heads/mouth. one night stands and one-month datings are created this way.

is it easy for me? no. it is not easy for anyone who wants to have a long term relationship, straight or gay. straight ppl might have more of them in a series only because they can find a partner easier. but they don't stay together very successfully as well. divorce rate last yr or two yrs ago was 1/2 in the states and 1/3 in canada. so pls don't fall into the sad and self-defeat thinking that gay ppl can't and don't want long term relationships. all of my friends want them, and i want one and ready for one. it's just hard to find chemistry and compatibility.

anyone agree?

power of gossip

here's what was written on piggy's (my ex) blog:

well, interesting enough, I heard (*from) one of justin's ex that justin broke up with him on his bd. what a karma!

someone

piggy showed me the comment last night and i was so confused. W H A T ?? i never broke up with anyone one a birthday!! but apparently some ppl believe that i have done such a horrible thing.

W - H - A - T ???

ppl already gossip about me liking SM stuff (which is not true) and that i'm not serious about relationships (which is not true), and now i do WHATTTTTT?????????

a spark

i went over to see my mom tonight (she's staying with her sister). i wasn't looking forward to it -- didn't know what to talk to her about and didn't want to tell her anything. motivation to go was purely obligation.

the plan was to get there 9:30 and leave around 10:30. one full hr should be enough. and my aunt and uncle will be there to break the silence, it shouldn't be too hard.

i got there around 9:30 as planned, walked in, sat down, and my aunt and uncle went up stairs to get ready for bed O_O

i just kept staring at the tv (chinese channels have some really poorly made commercials!!). but she started to talk about everything -- about how dad completely doesn't know how to take care of himself while she was here in vancouver, "before u go to vancouver, can u put out 12 pairs of socks, underwear and such for me?" open a drawer, dad! she talked about how well benny, my brother, was doing in hk learning to be a tailor in my dad's shop.

but one thing i didn't expect was that she started talking about benny's past failed relationships. (apparently benny talked to mom quite a bit about this stuff -- an activity i was completely foreign with.) benny hasn't had it easy either with his past relationships; full of heartaches, some betrayals, and definitely complexity.

she knew i got dumped (as mentioned in a previous post); so by telling me, i think she was trying to let me see that me and benny have some common ground (me and my brother had not had a causal conversation for over ten yrs; we're practically strangers). our parents had always wanted us to be more.... brotherly.

for whatever reason, i told her about the break up -- why, how, etc.

she sat right up; it was an extremely rare thing that i would tell her stuff. she asked that is "this type" of relationship harder to keep; i knew she thinks that about gay ppl. i explained to her that any relationship is hard (divorce rate is 1/2 to 1/3 in both canada and u.s.). in her own way she tried to understand (more twisted and damaged than me i bet lol). she then said, "how do u young ppl make it so complicated." compared to her generation, we're complicated; they were simple in that they get into a relationship to stay in one and get married.

"have i improved?" she asked me, "compared to a few yrs ago." she was referring to the homophobic emotional abuse she put me through (for almost a yr) when i was 19.

i happily nodded my head.

she's mom, she's trying, what can i do.

i left around 11:30 after suggesting lunch on friday.