it's been a month

a lot has happened. so much has happened that i can't think of where to begin. but at the same time, only one person really played a major role in my life since mid january.

how did i end up here. how did i end up falling for u and being rejected by u even though u were the one who wanted to date me when we first met. how did u become someone that i would describe as "he would never talk to me in public".

we're not lovers, we're not friends.

how do i stop.

i dread tomorrow night. i'm afraid of being in 816 where u will be too. i'm afraid of seeing u flirting, touching, kissing other ppl. i'm afraid of knowing u've gone hooking up with someone or some ppl.

i even told u that u should do it even when i'm near by, cuz i need to desensitize to it. but i'm afraid. i'm afraid i'm nothing. i'm afraid i'm not special in ur heart. because u r special in mine.

u asked me "u don't love me, do u?" was i supposed to say yes? did u want to hear it so u can feel good about urself?

i do.

so what.

it changes nothing. u would still be the same person.

how did i end up here... i don't want to be here anymore. here is nowhere.

i can never forget that easter sunday. the things u said. the way we were. amazing. taunting.

were u jealous tonight? when u see me talking to him were u jealous? u actually looked me in the eye. was that the best u could do. were u jealous?

i dread tomorrow night. being in the potluck while u r there. being in 816 while u r there. u won't care, cuz as u said, "just trying to have fun". i'm sure u'r having fun tonight, even right now as i'm typing this. and i'm sure u will be having tons of fun tomorrow night too.

i don't want to be defeated. i want to be myself again. i want to be the way i used to be - care free, cheerful, powerful.

some ppl would say this is a matter of choice. that one can always choose to not be affected by events or even their own emotions.

by choosing myself, am i then letting go of my feelings for him? do i want to let go of my feelings for him?

u won't even talk to me in public. u avoid me in public.

i'm a hopless romantic. a rare breed. we're the ones who finish last. that's if we make it at all.