a lot has happened. so much has happened that i can't think of where to begin. but at the same time, only one person really played a major role in my life since mid january.
how did i end up here. how did i end up falling for u and being rejected by u even though u were the one who wanted to date me when we first met. how did u become someone that i would describe as "he would never talk to me in public".
we're not lovers, we're not friends.
how do i stop.
i dread tomorrow night. i'm afraid of being in 816 where u will be too. i'm afraid of seeing u flirting, touching, kissing other ppl. i'm afraid of knowing u've gone hooking up with someone or some ppl.
i even told u that u should do it even when i'm near by, cuz i need to desensitize to it. but i'm afraid. i'm afraid i'm nothing. i'm afraid i'm not special in ur heart. because u r special in mine.
u asked me "u don't love me, do u?" was i supposed to say yes? did u want to hear it so u can feel good about urself?
i do.
so what.
it changes nothing. u would still be the same person.
how did i end up here... i don't want to be here anymore. here is nowhere.
i can never forget that easter sunday. the things u said. the way we were. amazing. taunting.
were u jealous tonight? when u see me talking to him were u jealous? u actually looked me in the eye. was that the best u could do. were u jealous?
i dread tomorrow night. being in the potluck while u r there. being in 816 while u r there. u won't care, cuz as u said, "just trying to have fun". i'm sure u'r having fun tonight, even right now as i'm typing this. and i'm sure u will be having tons of fun tomorrow night too.
i don't want to be defeated. i want to be myself again. i want to be the way i used to be - care free, cheerful, powerful.
some ppl would say this is a matter of choice. that one can always choose to not be affected by events or even their own emotions.
by choosing myself, am i then letting go of my feelings for him? do i want to let go of my feelings for him?
u won't even talk to me in public. u avoid me in public.
i'm a hopless romantic. a rare breed. we're the ones who finish last. that's if we make it at all.
that's me
- justin
- about me about me... born in hk, been living in canada for 13yrs. i find it funny that i speak both cantonese, my first language, and english, my second language, with an accent. i also speak a little mandarian, but apparently i sound like a child when i do.... i've been in college/university for a bit. got my BA in PSYC. but before i go back to school again i'm just a freelance painter :) very open-minded and live just as open-mindedly. i used to be shy, but nowadays.. well, i'm not young enough to be cute with being shy anymore lol but seriously, talking to ppl is way more fun than just observing other ppl do it :) so these r some of the stuff about me, if u read my blog every now and then, u'll find out more :)
10 comments:
cheer up!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZk3icdm9UI
I thought you wouldn't update your blog again, so I haven't been here about 10 days.
I'm very glad that you come back!
But I'm sorry to know that you're going into some trouble again.
What I want to say is
Cheer up!
Daivd
Just cruise who was the the person you having trouble with? I can not figure out.
Would you update more......
if the person you mentioned is what i'm thinking of, please move on. that person has moved on.
to surl:
it's not my ex. it's someone after.
well
spend couple minutes to mourn is ok, but don't soak yourself into it.
I know how being a romantic can play on your own emotions, and I know that sick, churning feeling in the pit of your stomach when you think of that persons with someone else.
I won't tell you to cheer up...if you're feeling these emotions then you have to work through them, just don't be overwhelmed by them.
I'm so disappointed!
You blog is anticlimactic!
I don't think I will be here again!
David
randomly found you through blogbus ... my asshole ex-bf ripped my heart out all over again last night. i thought all that was in me that loved him was dead, but salt on old wounds still hurts apparently.
he will never change. he said the same words to me, "you don't love me, do you?". It was to stroke his ego. He's a model and he's good looking and he knows it. He knows he is devastatingly charming. The end.
I made a conscious decision to delete him from my life. He is dead to me, you should do the same. Deletion doesn't mean hating, it means he never existed, as far as the present is concerned.
And then we have to deal with the emptiness when the space he filled is vacant. 空空虚虚的。 and then again, that's what other boys are for.
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