it's been a month

a lot has happened. so much has happened that i can't think of where to begin. but at the same time, only one person really played a major role in my life since mid january.

how did i end up here. how did i end up falling for u and being rejected by u even though u were the one who wanted to date me when we first met. how did u become someone that i would describe as "he would never talk to me in public".

we're not lovers, we're not friends.

how do i stop.

i dread tomorrow night. i'm afraid of being in 816 where u will be too. i'm afraid of seeing u flirting, touching, kissing other ppl. i'm afraid of knowing u've gone hooking up with someone or some ppl.

i even told u that u should do it even when i'm near by, cuz i need to desensitize to it. but i'm afraid. i'm afraid i'm nothing. i'm afraid i'm not special in ur heart. because u r special in mine.

u asked me "u don't love me, do u?" was i supposed to say yes? did u want to hear it so u can feel good about urself?

i do.

so what.

it changes nothing. u would still be the same person.

how did i end up here... i don't want to be here anymore. here is nowhere.

i can never forget that easter sunday. the things u said. the way we were. amazing. taunting.

were u jealous tonight? when u see me talking to him were u jealous? u actually looked me in the eye. was that the best u could do. were u jealous?

i dread tomorrow night. being in the potluck while u r there. being in 816 while u r there. u won't care, cuz as u said, "just trying to have fun". i'm sure u'r having fun tonight, even right now as i'm typing this. and i'm sure u will be having tons of fun tomorrow night too.

i don't want to be defeated. i want to be myself again. i want to be the way i used to be - care free, cheerful, powerful.

some ppl would say this is a matter of choice. that one can always choose to not be affected by events or even their own emotions.

by choosing myself, am i then letting go of my feelings for him? do i want to let go of my feelings for him?

u won't even talk to me in public. u avoid me in public.

i'm a hopless romantic. a rare breed. we're the ones who finish last. that's if we make it at all.

free hug campaign pt 2

a while back i posted about a free hug campaign that's been going around the world. today i was reading a blog (behind the chaos) and apparently beijing has one too :)



and so i wondered, "does hk have one too?" perhaps on a familiar street? yes and yes :)

online misbehavior

through the yrs i've been chatting with ppl online, interesting things have happened. i'm sure some of the listed misbehavior below r common to most of u guys, but some might be not.

- ur profile says u'r single even though i know for a fact u have a bf (and i know him)

- u pretend that we've never met in person (i.e. briefly through a mutual friend some time ago) and ask to meet and chat, with u knowing if i knew it was u, i wouldn't have said sure why not

- on msn u say let's have sex, i say no, u say "just kidding anyways". grow up

- somehow i've never met u but u know my name and the last 4 digits of my phone number

- on msn, i like using emoicon for expressions and u say "u'r so gay". news flash - having guy-on-guy sexual fantasies and/or acting them out makes u "so gay"

- old pictures old pictures old STATS!!!

- praising all the virtues of honesty and morality that u up hold in ur profile, which, coincidentally, has only one picture and it's mine


if u guys have any that would like to add, pls do :)

found this on youtube

i dunno if the guy is gay or not but the song is kinda fun. a little bit hard to hear what he was singing at times but mostly easy to make out. the song's title is "my whole family thinks i'm gay"

stupid resume

let it be known that i hate doing my resume!! i've put it off for ten yrs....... yeah, TEN LOL

my current job is freelance interior painting (the construction-like type), so i don't need a resume. and i've been in full-time school for yrs before that (psyc BA).

skills/traits to include..

- loyal (sure, of course, to myself)
- trustworthy (since no one would ever find out i always steal from work)
- eager to learn (all the illegal stuff in the office so that i can black mail)
- copes well with stress (by stealing from the office)
- cheerful/positive person (i always bring drugs to work ^_^ )

it's all just a joke!!! seriously, just a joke~~~~~~!!!!!!